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From:	Maureen (204.211.2.254)
Subject:	Re: step-family dilemma
Date:	June 12, 2008 at 6:07 am PST

In Reply to: Re: step-family dilemma posted by another mum on June 5, 2008 at 4:26 am:

I agree that you are being incredibly mature and forgiving. I wonder, though, if you are trying so hard to be forgiving and understanding that you are tolerating too much. Only you can decide how much is too much.

Frankly, I think you need to decide just why you need to continue the relationship with these two people! When you were a child, you had no choice. You were dependent. But now...????Are you still needing to cling to the fantasy that under it all your mother really does love you?

It may be time to face the fact that she does not. At least, not enough. Perhaps you look just like your biological dad, and she just can't stand it. Perhaps she is just obsessed with this nuclear-family game and wants to pretend that you were a cousin who just turned up. Whatever. If there is love there, it's being overpowered by her "issues". Now, how much of your life do you want to spend tap-dancing around her issues?

You mentioned that you married and moved away. How comes it that you are back there again? You and your husband might want to consider a move across the country. It would be healthier for all of you.

I'd tell your mom that either your son is or is not accepted as her grandchild. If he, and you, are just not "good enough", then you can raise your children just fine without any input from her. And leave. Plenty of kids do not have grandparents. Sad if yours has to do without granny, but far, FAR BETTER that than deal with forever feeling like the poor relation!

If it helps any, Iv'e dealt with a similar situation and it took me years to figure it out. My mother always seemed so ambivalent - she did love me but often acted as if she hated me, and I mean really hated. No such ambivalence to my little sister. I figured my sister was just better, prettier, sweeter, smarter, and I was the rough draft that didn't turn out. Years later, when my dad died, I found a whole box of old photos, some dating from the turn of the century.
Whaddya know, I look like the very reincarnation of my father's mother. My dad's mom and my mom loathed each other, and my grandmother tormented my mother and did all she could to sabotage the marriage. FOr my mom to look at her firstborn child and see the face of her archenemy was...well, it poisoned our relationship. I've forgiven her, but I've also had to accept that she will never, ever ever be able to see me without mixed feelings. I keep my distance and we have a cordial relationship that consists of once-monthly phone contact. That way, at least we are not hurting each other.

Good luck. Please don't forget that preservation of self, and your child's sense of self, trumps any so-called duty to anyone else.

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