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From:	Confused (70.44.245.109)
Subject:	step-family dilemma
Date:	May 27, 2008 at 11:07 am PST

I am an adult, having trouble dealing with a step-family situation.

My mother and step-father married when I was a pre-teen, and together they had my sister right after getting married. My step-father always favored his daughter (which isn't a surprise, it's his own daughter) but the more difficult part was that our mom played favorites as well (favoring my sister). I always felt awkward, esp. when we'd go to the dr. or elsewhere and she'd make a remark about the different last names even when no one brought it up (looking back, I suppose she had some unresolved issues herself!) and say something flip such as "she's just a step-child,you know how it is," which to be honest, really hurt, esp. since I was not her step-child, and no one brought the subject up to begin with.

I married and moved away after graduating, and had a child. My step-father has always been very nice to my child, but now that my sister has given birth to her first child, I am afraid that now my son is going to endure the same thing I did with my mother. It has started already -- my son is not allowed to spend the night or visit without me or my husband there to watch him (even when my step-father invites him to stay over, or visit during the day, my mother always pulls me or my husband aside and tells us that no, he cannot stay.) I thought it was a behavioral issue, but apparently not, since I asked and she said "it's just not appropriate" (???) However, my sister's new baby has his own room, and my mom has had loads of toys, high chair, crib, the works since even before the baby was born.

I am having a really hard time explaining to my son why he can never stay over, cannot keep toys there, etc. even when his baby cousin has the whole shabang and has since before he was even born.

It's not really my step-father playing favorites -- just as in my youth, it's my own mother.

I am not going to kid myself or try to fool anyone else, this hurts me deeply too.

I am sorry to vent -- I was hoping someone would have some opinion as to how I can better deal with this. My husband suggested distancing ourselves from my mother, in order to prevent our son being hurt, or my being hurt further. That seems a bit extreme, but at the moment, it may be the only option? I would hate to see my son hurt -- I know from personal experience, things like that cut deeply, and the hurt lasts a very long time.

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