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I feel like I'm in a bind. I've been a single mother for almost four years, and during that time I've hit my thirties. For the first two years, this was okay - I didn't have it in me to have a partner, anyway. But as time goes on, I crave more and more to be with someone again. The thing is, I feel sometimes like I just inherently don't click with men - I'm not a lesbian (I wish I was) but I really find a lot of male stuff, and particularly male sexuality, really scary. I don't hate men, I have male friends - but as soon as I think about being with a man as a partner, I'm running scared. Like porn. I have looked at it from time to time, I'm kind of curious and intrigued I guess, and I don't object to the concept in many ways. But why are the men so horrible to the women in porn? Why do they call them awful names and pull their hair? And I feel so uncomfortable knowing that men expect women to be like that. I've had kids. I'm not 18 anymore. If I'm with a man, will he constantly compare me to another younger woman and feel deprived? Are there men who want to be faithful to their partners? I have trusted men in the past and been betrayed. Another thing I'm scared of is my own poor judgement of character. I don't trust myself to know who is actually a good person.
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