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From:	Kate (204.211.2.254)
Subject:	utilitarian marriage - would it be that bad?
Date:	January 20, 2008 at 11:01 am PST

I'm 35, confused, depressed, and feeling like it's just time I grew up, already. I'm gay, always knew that, but after leaving what was supposed to be a lifetime relationship, I'm thinking there is no way I can be a mature, well rounded, functioning adult when I live a double life. I meet wonderful, interesting people at work that I'd like to be friends with, but can't, because they all live in the straight world. I'm crazy about this woman I work with, but you know, what women have in common is - men and children. If I want to have these cool people in my life at all, I need to live like them. Suburbs, minivan, network TV, carpools. The stuff I've been avoiding like the plague. Meantime, my social world is limited to a handful of people I have absolutely nothing in common with, outside of orientation. In my last relationship, I was left wondering what we'd gotten together for; bed death normally sets in after a year or so anyway, and with no kids, no family connection, it just felt like the relationship was a way of NOT growing. And as I get older, I can't help but think that part of what really deepens you as a person is having kids. It's what we're supposed to do on this earth.
So, I'm considering getting married and having kids. No, I don't love the guy, not a bit. But he's a good friend and would be a good working partner and a good father. No, the idea of having sex with him makes me queasy, but women have had to put up with sex they didn't like for thousands of years. My mother says you just shut your eyes, mentally check out and it's over in a few minutes. Then you focus all your energy on the kids. After all, once you're married, sex is not supposed to be a big deal anyway. And you get to have friends and you can talk about your family. You can be part of the extended family and belong somewhere. You get to watch your kids grow up and know you did something to contribute to society. You dn't have to feel selfish and immature and irresponsible. You fulfill a purpose. Which right now I don't.
So why am I dragging my feet? Do I just need to go be a hermit or what? Would it be a horrible thing to do to the guy? I figure as long as he gets fed and gets all the time he wants in front of the TV or off with his buds, he'll be okay. We agree about most things and I doubt that we'd fight much. Could it work?

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