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In Reply to: Hey Keith, this one's for you... posted by rubystar on June 16, 2007 at 9:42 pm:
I am not sure I can offer you much advice. It sounds to me like you kept your wits about you and paid attention to the subtelties of his behaviour. You are probably right on about his wanting to buy your affections with gifts. He may be a good man. The fact that he talks about how generous and sensitive he is might mean that he genuinely values those qualities and aspires to act them out. (Though the feedback from your mutual friend casts doubt on his genuineness.) Regardless, he sounds like he is emotionally immature: he mistakes aspiring to those values for living by them. He probably shares your fear of growing old alone. I was once much like him, not really understanding how to relate to a woman on a mature emotional level. It was not until I confronted that fear and consciously decided that I would rather grow old alone than spend my life with the wrong person that I was able to break with my past and do the growing I needed. It sounds to me like both of you had some unvoiced expectations. You can't expect someone to fulfill your expectations unless you tell them what they are. You seem to be pretty aware of some of his expectations. Here is what looks like one of your expectations that popped out of your post: "I said to him he didn't need to. Actually, I felt kind of uncomfortable because..." Did you tell him that it made you uncomfortable, and why? Or did you actually say, "You didn't need to give me that gift." Because, if it was the latter, he probably took it for the stereotyped "Oh, no, you shouldn't have" that people are supposed to say when they receive an extravagant gift that they really, really wanted. Much better to be clear and say, "I am afraid that you are trying to buy my affections. They are not for sale. If you want to give me a gift that I will value, give me time to be with my children." There is nothing that you can do to make him emotionally mature. That is his problem, that he will have to recognize for himself and work on. Since he sees you as a prospective partner, this is not something you can help him with. He will have to look elsewhere for help with that. If he comes back in a couple of years all grown up, then he might make a good partner. But until then, I think you are right to keep your distance. Above all, I think you are right to put the needs of your children first. Accept nothing less than the best. Keith
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