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From:	rubystar (spooky.scu.edu.au)
Subject:	Hey Keith, this one's for you...
Date:	June 16, 2007 at 9:42 pm PST

... and anyone else, of course... but it may explain why my rather different take on a situation below. I'd love your feedback, Keith, you seem to be on the money about a lot of this stuff.

My issues are with a man who I have been spending time with. We weren't and aren't in a relationship, although he wanted that from me.

I kind of get the feeling that he would want a relationship with any girl who showed interest in him.
That probably sounds really horrible, but it is truly how he appeared to me.

Anyway, I thought he was nice and everything. I thought, I'll get to know this guy. You never know.

Being a single mother, I need to be very careful who I get involved with. I am not willing to put my kids through a string of different men breaking my (and worse - THEIR) hearts.

So I have a policy: be friends with suitors, and look before I leap. READ THE FINE PRINT BEFORE SIGNING. You know? It's a pattern of mine to not read the fine print and I'm trying to break it for the sake of my kids.

Also, I have issues with fatigue and have a lot on my plate, so I don't have the ability to give to a relationship what a single person full of energy does. I think I would need a very understanding person, an independent person who doesn't take it personally if I can't be spending all my time or energy on the romance.

I just can't do that, you know?

Anyway, I made it clear that I wanted to be friends only. Maybe down the track, I would consider other options, but I'm in no rush.

So, he agreed to be friends. But every time he came over he had all these presents for me. He has SHOWERED me with gifts.

Which would be a nice gesture, except I always felt that he was trying to get something in return from me. I said to him he didn't need to. Actually, I felt kind of uncomfortable because every time he came over, it was with all this stuff. I always tried to repay his generosity by cooking meals etc, but I am on a very tight budget and cannot buy presents for him all the time etc. Also, he says it is because he is really giving, but to me I just always felt this underlying expectation with every thing he gave.

Also, I always felt that he wanted more from me that I am capable of giving at this time. We have had multiple conversations about the limits of my situation.

Maybe it's the fact that he is not a parent, but I just don't think he GETS the constraints on my time and energy. Also, I have tried to explain my low energy to him, but still he tries to talk me into going on all these outings and going clubbing and stuff.

He's always telling me how sensitive and giving he is, and how he gives and gives endlessly and nobody repays his kindness.

But I have got to say, I feel like he exerts a lot of pressure on me (and I'm guessing others) that is unfair.

It's like he can't see that he CHOOSES to give all this stuff.

I think there's a huge discrepancy in our income. Also our energy levels and free time are so different. Like many non-parents, he thinks that I'm home with my son and I therefore must have all this free time. He doesn't seem to get that being a parent gives me LESS, not MORE free time.

I feel like saying to him that his generosity is actually a disguised form of neediness and that neediness is not the same thing as love. I know that sounds awfully unkind, but it seems true to me.

Anyway, apparently he has been telling a mutual friend that he is really hurt and dissilusioned by me and that he has given so much and nobody seems to be as loving as he is blah blah. I feel really angry that he's doing this. I have been so clear with him about things. It's like he just doesn't recognise or validate my feelings, how tired I am, how little time I have etc.

As a mother, I feel that a lot. People just don't get that when you're with your children, your time is THEIRS and not YOUR OWN. The only time to myself I get is my lunch breaks when I am at college and the time after my kids are in bed where I get an hour or so before I conk out in bed.

He doesn't recognise that I actually use the tiny bits of time to myself on being with him. It's like he thinks he's been this loving person when in actual fact they are all just strategies to try and get something from ME.

I guess I feel down that maybe no man without children will ever get the constraints on my time and any man who actually has kids will understand my constraints and therefore won't want to date me! Maybe I am just having a Bridget Jones moment: am I destined to grow old alone? AArgh. Anyway, I'd love some feedback from anyone...

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