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I am a separated mother of a three year old son. All I want is to get on with my life and make things as nice for him as possible. I am beginning to really despair about my relationship with his father. Lately, every time I see him he seems to accuse me of something completely irrational and ridiculous. When I try to defend myself he says I'm starting a fight with him, then he splits. I just don't know how to handle it any longer. A couple of weeks ago his parents (my son's grandparents) came up on a surprise visit. It was quite out of the blue but I went and stayed with them, altering several plans to accomodate their desire to see their grandson. Anyway, they were planning to spend a bit of time in one apartment, and another bit in another apartment which is about 1 1/ hours north of where I live - where my son's father lives. He came down and stayed too. As the week went on, he became ruder and ruder. By the end he was blasting me for everything from singing to not switching my alarm clock off. It didn't help that the apartment only had one room, so my son and I were sleeping on a couch bed and he was sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the same room as the TV. On the last night, I had to go to school the next day so I wanted to get to bed. He wanted to watch a movie. I knew he'd go ballistic if I said I wanted to go to sleep, so I offered to give him the money to hire the DVD at another time so my son and I could get some sleep. Then his dad said that we should go to sleep. I hasten to say at this point that I had said from the outset that my son and I needed to be in bed by nine thirty and if everyone wanted to watch TV after that time, maybe we could move the TV into their bedroom. Everyone agreed that the TV would go off at nine thrity. Maybe I was being a bit intense about the TV, but the fact is I am someone who needs to sleep or I can't function properly. Anyway, he didn't want to accept money for the DVD, and we went to sleep, but he made it very clear that he thought I was power tripping. The next day, I had to go to school. My son was going up to spend the night with his grandparents. I felt sad about it and nervous, and I said something like "I'm going to miss you, but I'll see you tomorrow." Then his dad picked him up. I was sitting there and he turned around and said, "why are you still sitting there? Are you trying to mess with his head or something?" The fact was, I was just sitting there. The next day was the programming day at pre school and the first parent night of the year. I had asked earlier in the week if Rocky could attend, and said it would be better if he came earlier in the night so we could fill out his program book. His parents and grandparents were to come down and check out the pre school. Anyway, our meeting time arrived and my son and his dad arrived. The grandparents weren't there. I asked him why not, and he said "they need a rest. They're old." The way he said it, though was like he was accusing me of something. Then I showed him the program book, which had already been filled out in my son's absence. He said, we didn't need to be here at four, did we? I said that I didn't know that they would fill out the programming in my son's absence. Then he said "You just make it up as you go along, don't you? You just manipulate and bend everybody to your will." I stood there, stunned. I have no idea what he was talking about. He said he was angry because he didn't need to be there at four, as I had said. I said I had no idea that it would pan out that way. He said I deliberately said it to mess him around. It was crazy. At this point, I got sick of it. I said, "I am tired of you constantly attacking me." He said, "Yes, well I'm tired of YOU." My son asked me what is wrong with dad, and I said "he just doesn't like me." It was an immature thing to say, but I was so upset. Then he said that he was really embarrassed because we were fighting in the pre school. He said he was leaving. He asked when he could come and pick me up. I said I had had enough and didn't want to go for a one and a half hour trip with him back up the coast. He left. I rang his parents and told them what had just happened. I apologised for not coming back up. My son was crying at this point. But this was a special night for us so I took him and read some stories and told him I was sorry for fighting in front of him. We had a lovely night with all the other parents and kids. When I got out, I looked at my mobile phone which I had turned down because I didn't want to be interrupted. He had called me eight times in two hours. I walked to my car which wasn't parked anywhere near the preschool. He was sitting there in the darkness, his car parked right next to mine. I don't know how he found my car, but I was scared. He got out, and said he was here to pick me up. I said I couldn't understand why his parents hadn't come to see the pre school or why he himself didn't seem remotely interested. He said he felt embarrassed because we fought. I said it was a special night and it was a shame he missed it. Then we drove up in his car. The next day was horrible. He was really nasty all day. If his parents were going somewhere, he would ask if I was going too, as if he didn't want me to be there. I spent the day avoiding him. That night, we all went out for dinner. It was Rocky's grandparents last night. We sat down to dinner. At one point we were sitting there alone. He was completely ignoring me. I sat there for a while, but I couldn't take it after a while. I said, "it doesn't have to be this way. You could be nice to me." He said "are you going to start a fight on my parents last night here?" I said "I just want you to be nice to me." He got up and walked off. His parents came back. I told them what happened. We had what would have to be the most uncomfortable meal in history. My son was distressed and nobody knew what to say. His grandparents ended up driving me the 1 1/2 hour drive home. They told me that they were worried about their son, who was "not himself lately." The following week, he called and offered to take our son for a couple of hours so I could go to the market. I had to drop my son off. I felt horrible. When I got there, he was perfectly nice to me. Then when I came back, he'd cooked us lunch and was being really nice. I figured what ever it was, it was over. Then, yesterday it was his birthday. I was to come and pick our son up later that evening so he could go out for his birthday. In the afternoon I rang to clarify the time and place I was to pick our son up. He was in a bad mood because the mattress in his van had touched the inside light and set on fire. (He lives in his van). Then he said our son had thrown a massive tantrum in the supermarket. Apparently he was saying "you don't understand, it's all my fault." From that, his dad concluded that I must be messing with my son's head and trying to turn him against his dad! It was so crazy! Again, I tried to defend myself and again, he said he couldn't stand fighting with me and hung up. I have no idea what my son was freaking out about but I know it was nothing like that. In fact, we had spent the morning making a card and wrapping a present for his dad and talking about how he was looking forward to seeing him. I just don't know what to do. I've really tried to figure out if I am actually doing anything here, but I honestly believe the stuff he is angry about is all is in his imagination. I can't even clarify anything with him, because I know what the reaction will be: he will blast me, then split the scene before I can reply. I feel totally at the mercy of his moods and don't know how to handle his accusations. I try to ignore them but it is so hard to listen to someone telling you that you're doing hurtful things to your child when it isn't true. It's getting to the point where I just don't want anything to do with him, which is obviously not practical. I am also trying to avoid causing a massive battle and trying to keep things civil between me and his grandparents and it's not easy when he's being so full on. I just want my son to have a functional family - something I never had. Sometimes I feel like I just want to take out an apprehended violence order on him so he will leave me alone, but I know that would only destroy the relationship with the rest of his side of the family that I've worked so hard to maintain. I also really, REALLY wanted my son to have a family that wasn't that broken. I'm losing sleep over this. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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