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From: Barbara (50.141.238.61)
Subject:         A little help understanding what my body is going thru
Date: November 9, 2013 at 8:34 pm PST

Hello everybody! First off I want to say thank you for being here everyday helping out!

I feel like I'm such a MESS. At this point all I want to know if the reason I keep failing is due to my lack of consistency and commitment, or if there's something else like a hormonal, thyroid or some other physical reason. I feel stuck. I've never done illegal drugs or alcohol but I abused my body with food so much, from a short phase to bulimia in my teenage years, to starve myself in my 20s to look skinny. I was a size 0 still thinking I was not skinny enough. I want to be healthy for once and all... but I'm having a hard time healing. Mentally and physically.

I'd like to share a story of my journey through vegetarian to vegan to raw TO 811. I'll try to be brief...maybe for those out there studying this lifestyle, this could be an interesting one. Lots of ups and downs... moving across the country back and forth and so...I will try to be quick, but I cant make any promises tho..it started years ago...

Year 2003 to 2006 starved myself to look skinny. Did not know anything about nutrition so I restricted my calories eating once a day with a snack at night. I was 103lbs.
Year 2007 doctor talked to me into taking antidepressants, I did for a month, then quit, I knew better that wasn't helping and I wasn't "depressed".
Started a great relationship right after, started eating more, gained 10 lbs but. I was fit and healthier.
Year 2009, our first baby was born, we packed all our things and moved from Florida to Chicago for my bf's work. When my baby was 1year old, I became interested in nutrition more than ever before. I got a library card and ordered tons of books in nutrition... and became vegetarian, kept reading, a couple of weeks later, I got rid of milk products and eggs and went vegan. I became an animal rights activist overnight. I started running everyday very early and having a smoothie right after for breakfast. Just by doing this I lost 10 lbs of baby weight in a month.
Being vegan was fine, but something told me there was more to learn, so I kept my research and days after, I found out about raw foods, I read tons of books on raw vegan and I knew I was on the right path...but I was still confused about how much nuts the raw food diet depended on. I tried the recipes, it was a nice experience, but a couple of months later I did a little of more research, and I was sold when I found out a youtube video of Dr, Graham on the simplicity of eating just fruit. I needed no more research. So I was ready to start, I got lots of fruit and greens, bought a Vitamix and my 811 journey began. Lost about 10 more pounds, went down to pre pregnancy weight (11lbs) and gained energy, clarity, I was glowing, I was a new person.

The only problem is that December came... in Chicago, an unexpected blizzard swept the town and I was stuck for 3 days with no fruit in the apartment...I was brestfeeding so I couldn't just fast so I ended up eating pasta, bread, whatever vegan food I had around. I tried getting back after that, but it was hard, doing raw until dinner time and then would beat myself down over a dish of plain quinoa that I couldn't resist. I Became obsessed with this subject, I started losing my glow and getting bloated, so I was even more frustrated.

Few months went by and found out baby number two was on the way and my morning sickness had me in the toilet all day long.. and couldn't stand the smell, not even the sight of a ripe banana. So I chopped them up, I had about 40lbs of them, put them in the freezer and never open that freezer again. Or touch the vitamix again.
My lowest point surely came shortly after when I ended up eating an egg and cheese croissant at dunkin donuts. Then pizza. Then packaged foods. I never craved meat of any kind since 2009 and never had any. At least I'm happy all that research did change something in me after all.
So I continued a vegetarian lifestyle thru pregnancy, I was having an awful time dealing with relatives, I was sick all day, lost my sex drive, I was down, but it cheered me up knowing I would go back to my vegan lifestyle one day and hopefully to a low fat raw too.

Year 2011 after second baby arrived, marriage turned rocky and I decided to move back to Florida to start over. I did, and even though I was a single mom with a newborn and a toddler, with their dad thousands of miles away, my life turned for the better immediately after I did a banana fast. I shredded extra pounds, started getting more sunlight, had energy to work out every day and I was happy. lonely. but happy. my sex drive jumped to the roof and I was feeling on top of the world. My bf kept asking me to give us another chance, so I agreed, so he packed his things and move back to Florida. Life was so good for a hot minute. Until day 11 of the fast came and couldn't take more bananas. or any other fruit. So I ordered pizza. Felt awful. Guilty. I hated myself. Physically hurt myself. But I got up and tried again.
Year 2013, my bf was offered a very good job so he moved back to Chicago and I stayed at my sister's with my kids for a few months while he found us a place to live. Big mistake... I had the most stressful time in my life, staying at my sis e for 2 months, I started abusing my body badly, to cope with the pain I would eat and eat sometimes junk, I even added salt to my meals which I've NEVER done, even in my SAD days... So I gained 20 lbs in two months, my face looks older and lost that athletic body I used have.

I'm ashamed. I learnt so much about nutrition in the past 4 yeas and worked so hard to be healthier just to let life problems get in the way and take it away. I get it, life gets rough and I can't depend on food to make me feel better.

This is not the life I want. I love my life and want to stop thinking about food and what to eat and when to eat it. I want to just nourish myself with the right foods without letting food being the topic that controls my life.
So how did you get THERE.?

You may not see it or believe it. But I want a lfrv life. Not sure if I have it in me or what would take me there. Because I TRIED. I KNOW better. I have the tools to get me there. And keep failing.

So, my question to you, who has been doing this lifestyle long enough to give some advice...

If this is me with some lack of commitment, this is on me. But what if there's some physical damage done or disease and I need some sort of outside help. How do I find that out...? What tests should I run?

My last week diet: I usually have three to four 4OoZ green smoothies a day... with bananas, spinach and mangoes. all RIPE. And I'm still bloated and not losing weight...I'm currently 137 lbs. Cron o meter says I do 85% carb, 9% lipids and 6% protein. I Would like to lose at least 20lbs.
I'm also working out everyday intense cardio for 30 minutes followed by a 30 min toning routine. I'm meditating at night. The only thing I'm not getting is sunlight is very cold around here to tried to open the window and I'm afraid to crave a cup of coffee if I feel the breeze.
I feel sore, my skin is clearing, but my body feels and looks the same.
Is frustrating that once upon a time it was so easy to do this and glow and feel healthier and now is so hard...I'm working hard and not seeing results. I'm stuck.


If you read this thank you, feel free to give me any advice or opinion you may feel it helps.

I'M NOT GIVING UP!

ps: I'm really considering going to the Woodstock festival in 2014 and meeting some of you guys!

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