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From: julie (
Subject:         what can i hope for now?
Date: June 1, 2013 at 2:57 am PST

I have really struggled with depression. I was underweight due to bone
and muscle loss. I was in the hospital for anorexia which I did not have
at all due to the low weight around 70 pounds at 5 foot 2 or a little
shorter. They had me on ensure for 3 months 4000 calories in the last
month no fruits vegetables or exercise. When out i was depressed and
did something is never done before which was binge endlessly on pure
junk food. I didn't even like most of it, it was my parents food. All I did for
2 months was sleep or binge though I was never hungry obviously. I feel
ashamed and I hate the results. Every day I've become less fit. I haven't
slept well because my stomach is always so full. Its crazy because it's
actually hard to eat more but I do because the food is addictive and ID
do it out of boredom and loneliness and habit. I've also had tons of
caffeine for no reason really which only further dehydrate s me. I'm now
probably at least 115 and every pound since 70 is definitely fat. I'm
actually dehydrated most of the time.
Anyway i surely have normal weight obesity, if I was 100 up from 70 and
the 30 pound gain was fat plus what essential fat I already had, i was
already over 30 percent fat. Now what??? I must be a walking heart
attack. I should've listened sooner. However it seemed so discouraging
that I could gain only one pound of muscle in a month at best and lose
only 2 pounds of fat per month according to what perfect health said. It
seems like I'm playing a lottery where my chances are 1 in 1 million of
getting better and seemed so much easier to just eat junk for temporary
pleasure but I don't want to look and feel like this and worse. I'm afraid I
am likely to have diabetes and cancer. I w want to enjoy something in
life before dying and at this rate it'll be far took soon and painful. I'm
only 28. I don't know where to begin or how to make sure I'm making
progress. I feel it will takes years at best. My body composition is crazy
and I miss being healthy and fit. My skin is terrible and there's problems
with my veins I think, they look weird. What can i do? Is it even possible
to detox all this junk and rebuild? I probably need a lot of fasting but I'm
sure I'm way too toxic. I don't know anyone who's recovered from
something like this. What can i do? I really don't want to give up
anymore. I want to know there's hope and follow a real plan. I don't even
know what my caloric maintenance level is. I've basically not stopped
eating for 2 months straight day in day out even in the middle of the
night, in fact mostly then. I've been beyond sedentary. I can't believe I
did this and don't know where to turn for help so I came here

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