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From: Julie (24.154.126.120)
Subject:         how do i begin healing now?
Date: April 14, 2013 at 9:10 pm PST

I am finally out of the hospital (never thought that was possible!), but have been doing worse somehow, not better. I am very glad to be alive and to have free will. I am just grateful to not be in there but I've been taking worse care of myself somehow. I have been so depressed, unable to accept my life and started emotional binge eating which I know better than. I've already watched Making Friends with Your Food which helped in the past, but right now I've eaten foods I never would have considered, crazy amounts and crazy combinations of cooked foods. I will surely die if I don't change soon. I'm chronically dehydrated and very ill from this new bad habit. I am having trouble pulling myself out of this. I keep reaching new "rock bottoms"

I am sad I threw away my health and life before. Apparently I have bone loss (my ankle is injured and swollen) and I lost an inch in height. I have practically no muscle strength compared to before. Last year I was able to do gymnastics and power yoga. Now I can't do any of that, especially after this extreme bingeing. Every time it gets worse. The emotional issues are loss of a romantic relationship, loss of my fitness and not feeling like it can be regained, and inability to see my current life in a positive light now. I feel like I messed up so bad that a mediocre life would be a great achievement at this point.

Anyway how would I heal bone loss? Is it possible? I am 28 years old. From what I understand bones are mainly composed of minerals. I assume I am mineral deficient due to acidity and caffeine consumption.

How do I build muscle? I know I need to "feel" the exercises which is hard for me because I tend to give up instead of push myself ever. Does any exercise I can feel work as long as I go to the point of not being able to do more? Does the muscle need to shake or have that burning feeling? I am not trying to add any bulk at this point, I really need to lose fat and gain muscle. I am extremely undermuscled and overfat now.

What about cardio exercise for fat burning and to condition my heart and lungs? I also have trouble pushing myself or doing something for long. It's hard for me to do 100 burpee jumps...I usually have bad form and quit very quickly. Do I need my heart rate to be up for a certain amount of time?

I am wondering if I can build back my bone and muscle, and regain health and fitness to live an active life. Right now I have nothing and don't know where to begin. Doing anything, even if I don't feel it or do it right would be good at this point. I don't have any structure or routine to my life. Would being on a sleep an wakeup schedule help? or having a meal schedule?

I want to have a clear plan I can make measurable progress with and to know I'm getting better each day. I get lonely, confused, discouraged, and doubt my abilities. I just don't know what to do when I wake up so a lot of times I sleep all day when not tired then just binge eat. I know that's not helping anything. Other days I might do some stretching and take a walk but I never do much more than that. I overconsume caffeine when I don't need it too. I know I have to help myself. I do want to live. I need a good plan I can start now, despite all my false attempts thus far. Help and advice is appreciated.

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