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From: julie (128.147.28.77)
Subject:         is there any hope for me? plz answer this!
Date: March 12, 2013 at 5:43 pm PST

I made some big and very stupid mistakes. I had very good health and fitness a year ago, but stopped exercising and lost all my muscle strength. I was a healthy 95 (5'2" small framed) able to do power yoga and some gymnastics last spring.
By the summer after doing less and less exercise and overeating fruit (which caused candida type reactions in me rather than putting on weight) I was probably underconsuming greens and vegetables too and ended up at 85 pounds. I had significantly less strength, but I was still okay overall.
In the fall, I became very sedentary with school and consumed caffeine for no reason sometimes. It basically just dehydrated me. I ended up in the high 70's and had no strength after awhile. (I went from being able to do multiple real push-ups to 0 knee pushups even) I looked very thin but was not ever undereating. I didn't have much muscle or fat at all.
For no reason, without hunger, I started to overeat cooked foods in the middle of the night many times though I had plenty of calories in the day time and had no compulsion to eat. I ate very crazy combinations and basically gave up on my life. It was stupid. I gained fat up to 85 pounds and remained sedentary. It was very different than when I was that weight before. My clothes from 95lbs did not fit--they were too small and I looked very flabby and shapeless. That was due to the fat put on and the lack of muscle It was a totally different body at the same weight. My body was so overwhelmed with all that food and it was so hard to carry around all that fat with no muscle on me. I started to get a cold from the toxicity and couldn't do basic yoga or gymnastics things that I'd done my whole life. I wasn't eliminating much at that point, definitely not all I'd eaten. I was scared and stupidly decided it would be impossible to get better and thought I would just die from overeating so crazily. I kept doing the same thing and got worse. I started consuming a lot of caffeine to have some energy. This dehydrated me and I went down to just under 70 pounds. I didn't lose fat though, my body looked very different that the last time at this weight. It was very undefined and flabby.
Yes its my fault I'm in this situation, but I am still alive and would do anything to get well. The only thing I ever cared about was health and I worked so hard to achieve the health and fitness I had. It was my whole identity so once I lost it, I had no clue what to do and panicked.
The worst part is that I've been in the hospital for just over 2 months for "anorexia" which I don't have and never did! This is because a friend who didn't know me well knew I was unhealthy and worried so I was 302'd in. The doctors said my low weight neededed medical attention, in-patient only. They asked how I got to such a low weight and assumed it could only come from not eating enough and that if I said I ate a lot I must be lying.
I wasn't gaining the weight from their treatment plan: being forced to sit and drink ensure all day. I am on 4000 calories and don't eliminate well. My weight finally started going up the past couple weeks and I'm now around 84 pounds. They need me to be 94 before I go, but I am worried that my body won't be able to do that and if it does, how can I ever get well once I'm out? Would thoughts alone help my body gain the weight? How could I lose the fat, gain muscle, and regain my fitness to do what I love when I get out? Please let me know what's possible. I really want to live. The only way out of here is a number on the scale. I'd do anything to get there, but it has nothing to do with health either. I just want to get out and then know how I can have my health back......

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