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From:	Vickie (2.27.12.92)
Subject:	Re: For Vickie, in response to your "barf"
Date:	February 3, 2012 at 1:49 am PST

In Reply to: For Vickie, in response to your posted by Just Me on February 2, 2012 at 3:16 pm:

Just Me, I am so sorry that you lost your dear father to cancer, especially when he was only 30. I know that would have an impact on anyone, and I understand so much why wondering if and when it were your turn would have weighed heavy on your mind.

I worry, too. And my husband says that is most of my problem---worry. But, it's not like I just set out to worry! Things happen, I don't know how to cope, and I worry.

Your decision to take the best care of yourself possible at any given moment and then leave the rest up to God is the wisest decision you could possibly ever make, Just Me. You could not DO any more than that, That's all ANYONE could do - EVER. I don't know why the mortality of this life bothers me so. I don't want to die. But like my grandmother (a good Christian woman) said, "All creatures are born to die, honey." But death scares me, Just Me. I have so many regrets in my life, I feel so alone and afraid, so inadequate. I feel like I've failed everybody, myself and God and just everything, you know? It's a horrible feeling. And then, to think of DYING on top of THAT?

My husband and I have discussed an allotment garden but there aren't any close at all and we don't have a car so in our house would be the only thing we could realistically do.

Growing indoors would be the one thing we COULD do. Hey Just Me, one thing we have done is grow wheatgrass on a tray. It was beautiful and we felt like it sanitized the room. Ann Wigmore had said this, that it freshens the air. I'll tell you, the world lost somebody when it lost her. From what I read, she died from smoke inhalation in a fire at her institute. She was in her 80s, it said.

I'm going to see about indoor lettuces. We have french doors and a south window and we need to utilise that space wisely. I've thought about alfalfa sprouts too. Thanks so much for all these great ideas, Just Me.

Just Me, I walk an hour a day. My legs & butt look like a normal sized woman's but my fat belly looks like it belongs on a 6'5 pub crawler. Apple belly deluxe in other words. It's from the bingeing in the evening. God help me, I just can't seem to stop it (yet).

I don't sleep well, Just Me, because I'm worried about the pain in my side lower down. Not sure if it's appendix or a hernia or what. No blood in stool or anything, just a weird pain. Flashes of fever. Seems like 3:00 a.m. is the worst for me. Wake up, can't get back to sleep.

I'm going to do what you said here: "Do your best in any given moment, and strive to do even better in the next." Thank you so very much from the bototm of my heart for that, Just Me. Thank you.

You see, I'd been doing great for breafkast and lunch, and for the cooked meal of the evening I'd been trying to make it a smaller plate size - like 9". I figured even if it were cooked food, at least if I could keep the portions smaller, it would be less likely to cause damage. But then I'd get hungry and wind up bingeing. Trying desperately to find balance.

Thank you for such a beautiful, completely helpful heartfelt post. I am happy for you about your garden. I feel bad now that maybe you think I'm not, but I am! It's nice to hear about it.

Just Me, I think if I could get this pain to go, and this fever, that my life would be much more positive. But I'm afraid to go to a doctor about it. I know what they do. I'd trust nature over a doctor. I've just damaged myself too much from overeating and eating bad junk foods and cooked food. Damn it.

Thank you.

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