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From: John (HI) (
Subject:         Kids STILL Say the Darndest Things
Date: February 20, 2016 at 3:22 pm PST

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went
'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank
Five minutes later.. "Daaaa-aaaad....."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in
and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St
Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I
can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to
come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over
and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my
three year old came into the room when I was just getting
ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are
getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What
are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework,
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What
I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the
story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She
read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and
said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her
hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this
was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I
thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and
play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his
hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm
gonna’ get some boobs too."

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