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From: John(HI) (cpe-66-91-32-160.hawaii.res.rr.com)
Subject:         Clarification of Corporate Lingo
Date: April 6, 2007 at 4:39 pm PST


Employer Side:

"Competitive salary" : We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join our fast-paced team" : We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere" : We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Must be deadline oriented" : You'll be six months behind on your first day.

"Some overtime required" : Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"Duties will vary" : Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail" : We have no quality control.

"Career-Minded" : Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person" : If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"No phone calls please" : We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience" : You'll need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem-Solving skills a must" : You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills" : You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills" : Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee:

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization" : I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm honest, hardworking, and dependable" : I pilfer office supplies.

"My pertinent work experience includes" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I take pride in my work" : I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'm personable" : I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'm extremely professional" : I carry a Day-Timer.

"I am adaptable" : I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am on the go" : I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed" : The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

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