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From: John(HI) (
Subject:         One Liners
Date: January 1, 2007 at 11:51 pm PST

1. Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.
2. My wife and I were told we couldn't have children. By our landlord.
3. I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.
4. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
5. A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
6. If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
7. The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.
8. If you're only as old as you feel how is it possible that I am alive at 150?
9. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
10. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
11. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
12. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
13. I'm not a member of any organized political party. I'm a Democrat and a Republican.
14. A picture is worth 100 to 1000 words depending on how good looking you are.
15. What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?
16. Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.
17. I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.
18. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 15 years. Be late two days returning a rental video and those people are all over you. We should put them in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.
19. If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."
20. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
21. Obey gravity. It's the law.
22. Mario Andretti retired from race car driving. He ran his entire last race with the left blinker on.
23. My father taught me to swim the hard way. He threw me out into a lake. Learning to swim that way was not easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag.
24. A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.
25. I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
26. The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman and their kids aren't much to look at.
27. God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
28. My friend of mine is hard of hearing. He reads lips. The problem is that he uses a yellow highlighter.
29. I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You cannot sing while playing a clarinet.
30. I got a BMW because I wanted a car I could spell.
31. There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned.
32. All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on.
33. What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with that?"
34. Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy marks the spot with an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, "What if we come back in a different boat?"
35. There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.
36. Two cows were talking to one another in Washington . One says to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "What do I care, I'm a butterfly."
37. If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?
38. A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this."
39. The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere.
40. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
41. Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
42. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
43. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
44. Anyone driving slower than you are is an idiot. Anyone going faster is a maniac.
45. Don't make an atheist mad. He might burn a question mark on your front lawn.
46. Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
47. There are so many Smiths in the phone book because they all have phones.
48. Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."
49. Do Pilgrim's pants fall down because they wear their belt buckle on their hats?
50. A man's house was on fire. He called the Fire Department. The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"

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