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From: John(HI) (
Subject:         The Nine Types of Boyfriends/Girlfriends
Date: August 12, 2007 at 8:35 pm PST

The Nine Types of Boyfriends:

1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, okay?"
A.K.A: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: - Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: - Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
A.K.A: - Grumbles, Sour-Puss, Stick-in-the-Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk
Advantages: - Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: - Pain in the butt

3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
A.K.A: - Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: - Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: - Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin.'"
A.K.A: - Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk
Advantages: - Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: - Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
A.K.A: - Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead
Advantages: - Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: - Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

6. The Sneak - "Who, me?"
A.K.A: - Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, SOB
Advantages: - May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: - May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels."
A.K.A: - The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova
Advantages: - Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: - Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
A.K.A: - Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool
Advantages: - Tells good stories
Disadvantages: - Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht."
A.K.A: - Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy, (Jokemeister)
Advantages: - Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: - Hunted to extinction
The Nine Types of Girlfriends:

1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."
A.K.A: - What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: - Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: - May wise up someday

2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
A.K.A: - She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: - Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: - Screeches, Throws frying pans

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
A.K.A: - Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: - Predictable
Disadvantages: - Contagious

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
A.K.A: - Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: - Often right
Disadvantages: - Often right...but so what?

5. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!"
A.K.A: - Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: - More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: - Unreliable; drives off cliffs

6. Ms. Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?"
A.K.A: - The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: - Easily soothed
Disadvantages: - Even more easily perturbed

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
A.K.A: - No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: - Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: - You will have no friends.

8. Ms. Intellectual - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
A.K.A: - The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: - Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: - Will read her poetry aloud.

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel."
A.K.A: - Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One -
Advantages: - Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: - Will have nothing to do with you.

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