From: Jo Stepaniak (jo.vegsource.com)
Subject: Re: To everyone - thanks and apology
Date: May 4, 2008 at 4:25 am PST
In Reply to: To everyone - thanks and apology posted by Janet on May 3, 2008 at 9:31 pm:
Hi, Janet. Thank you very much for your note to all of us and to Mary in particular. It breaks my heart to think that our dear sisters would leave the Tent over a single one of us venting her feelings. Even if we take umbrage at something one of us says, if we cannot vent without censoring ourselves here, where can we? At the same time, we are not responsible for each other's pain if our venting had nothing to do with them and our comments were strictly personal and had no intention of harm. We each need to be responsible for how we respond/react to what someone else says (that goes for here as well as anywhere) and realize that our feelings are just that -- our own -- and we cannot "blame" anyone else for causing us to feel a certain way lest we try to divest ourselves of that ownership.
I agree with you, Janet, that we are role models for the young people who may be eavesdropping, and how we deal with very difficult emotions and disagreement gives them examples to emulate. Sure, there may be times when our emotions are so strong, so fragile, that we need to step back for a while. On the other hand, running away doesn't help us as individuals or a group to deal with them, and doesn't provide much of a positive example either.
We are all going to experience horrors and deep, deep sadness in our lives if we live long enough -- that's the double-edged sword of just being an elder. We need to have a space/place to talk about the emotions that go along with those experiences, and it was my hope (and still is) that we found that space with each other here.
One thing I have learned is that we cannot allow ourselves to feel responsible for somebody else's reactions to our thoughts, beliefs, or feelings, even when they are hurt by something we did or said that had no intention of causing pain. Certainly, we all may be insensitive at times and we may be clumsy with expressing ourselves (as I probably am in this post), but that is where forgiveness comes into play and understanding the difference between intentional and unintentional hurt.
I also agree that we should not allow the Tent to fall apart over something like this. We need to know this is a safe place where we can express ourselves, and that as long as we aren't directing a message at anyone in particular, and just venting, we should have the right to do so, even if what we say is disagreeable or inadvertently painful to someone else. We can't always all be on the same page about everything -- but that keeps things lively at times, and certainly interesting.
For Mary, Marilyn, and anyone else who has walked away from the Tent, I beg you to reconsider and return to us, as we are not whole without you.
Love to you all,
Jo
