From: Janet ( -71.106.163.238)
Subject: Dear EM
Date: May 2, 2008 at 10:35 am PST
In Reply to: Janet and Marilyn posted by EM on May 2, 2008 at 3:39 am:
Dear EM,
Since posting that, I've been hiding from shame of even having had those thoughts much less having exposed them. It's still true that I thought what I thought at the time and made the unwise choice to post what belonged filed away as unkind, unconsidered thoughts written in spontaneous, ick-spewing, journal style moments after the shock of hearing news I didn't expect. Repeated attempts to post about the harshness already softening that night after a meal and shower were denied by censors for reasons I couldn't find to correct and I let the post stand as it was - another poor choice.
My horror at not having realized your beautiful daughter's devastating cancer was the same - and causing you, dear EM, such understandable pain through my gross insensitivity (particularly with my awful reference to my father's being self-caused - really referring to still smoking AFTER having part of a lung removed, chemo, and years of care to bring him back - but still reprehensible of me and possibly false) - is immeasurable.
You - with your wisdom, compassion, tenderness, generosity, talents, and humor - are so valued by me and everyone here. Please recall that I have, before this massive gaff, been tuned into your unthinkably horrendous loss of your beloved girl. I also think about her birthday being soon. I couldn't feel worse about wounding you as I most certainly recognize having done. I know that acknowledging both my faulty, heartless thinking at that moment and truly gross insensitivity to you (so unintended, but true, nonetheless) and apologizing as sincerely as I know how to will not heal that wound. I wish it could. I wish it could bring her back and wash away the pain of the memories of the horror you shared with her. I can't do that, either, but what I can do is learn from my own misuse of public space to work out conflicted feelings before I have thought about them and come to a more decent place about them. The misuse is knowing that it was potentially sensitive territory ("only" thinking that some may smoke and I don't know it - which was inconsiderate enough). I didn't think beyond that to how else just blathering my immediate, fearful, unkind thoughts (knowing that, if my father wants to fight, I WILL go to battle, even potentially to court, against at least 1 sister and BIL who aren't even conflicted about thinking as I described) might hurt someone else. I wish I had and hope I never do that again - which is my intention.
You are on the list of the last people I'd ever want to hurt - and especially about this most tender, ever-bleeding part of your heart. I'm more deeply sorry than I can express.
I’m posting separately further explanation which doesn’t belong here and which, understandably, may not interest you at this point. I offer it, though, to explain factors of my conflict at that moment - not to excuse my lack of compassion (for which there IS no excuse) but to distinguish my comments about considering treatment for my father’s specific situation from your daughter’s and your valiant fight - for which I’m sure any who knew you were only passionately rooting for, as I most certainly would have been, without reservation of any kind.
I’m most profoundly sorry for the harm and pain I’ve caused to you. I can understand how you’d feel as you do about what was expressed here. I can only assure you I didn’t meant to be so heartless about my father’s situation and insensitive to you (but see that I was). I’m still learning. I promise to take a keen lesson from this and look closely at my own thinking (and ill-considered posting) so I can refine both and not repeat it.
If there are other things I'm not seeing that caused such pain, I'm willing to listen. I didn't feel "clean" about how I was looking at it in that moment of shock, sadness, fear, and anger of first learning about my father's unexpected diagnosis - and I still don't (although those first thoughts dissolved pretty quickly). At the end of the day, what I want most in my life is to be a decent person - without sharp edges that nick others, causing new wounds and further damaging those which never heal. I do sincerely care that I did that - especially when it was unintended (unconscious). That may be the worst kind.
I'm sorry I hurt you. {{{{{ EM }}}}}
From my heart,
Janet
