I'm twenty-three, and every day I grow older. Every
year, I grow older. For the last six years, I have been
growing older, yet I am in the exact same place now
that I was then. I don't want to get any older...yet.
For the past six years, I have been battling medical
problems, medical problems that no doctor has been able
to fully figure out. If it's not my "condition" making
me feel horrible, it's one of the numerous medications
I've been prescribed that's making me sick. So, I have
been unable to go to school or to work during this time,
leaving me to feel completely useless.
I feel like there is a whole world going on out there,
and I'm just standing still as it all passes me by.
I don't even acknowledge my birthday anymore, and I
don't let anybody else try to celebrate it in any way,
shape, or form. Each year that passes means I'm another
year farther away from where I want to be. I have no
idea when, or even if, I'll ever be better. I know that
there is no time limit on doing things in life -- school,
career, marriage. My sister took thirteen years to complete
what normally takes four years of college. My uncle
went back to school to get a degree in his fifties.
I've had relatives get married at all ages, even into
their sixties. It's just that that's not how I saw things
for myself. I don't know if I'd be a strong enough person
to start college at an older age. And how can I even
think about marriage and a family when I'm not able
to go out and meet anybody? A career is impossible when
I can't even really leave my house.
As I grow older, my mom also grows older. She is my
whole world. She's the only person who truly knows and
understands me. She loves me unconditionally. And, right
now, I am completely dependent on her in every way possible.
I constantly worry that something is going to happen
to her. I couldn't live without her. I wouldn't want
to live without her.
I wish I could rewind time to six years ago, and then
just pause it. That was the last time I remember everything
being really great in my life. I know that I need to
somehow get to a better place, both physically and emotionally.
Maybe then I'd appreciate growing older.
e x t e s s a y -
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