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Wherefore
Moo?
You know what I'm talking about, if you've been a vegan
for any length of time, or if you have acquaintances
with anti-veg views. It's a minor rite of passage for
a vegan. I'm talking about that inexplicable phenomenon
known as getting MOOOed.
No, I don't mean by cows. Conversing with cows would
no doubt be an enlightening experience, but I am referring
to getting MOOOed by people -- by omnivorous people,
to be specific, when they are laughing at vegans. I
have postulated some possible reasons for this phenomenon,
which, I must confess, I fail to understand.
In being moooed, am I being likened to a cow? I will
consider this. I am vegan. So, ideally, is a cow. I
am a mammal. Ditto for a cow. I have blue eyes; a cow
has brown eyes. I'm a soprano. I think most cows are
contralto or mezzo. I'm a fairly hyperactive, energetic
person. Cows are peaceful and mellow. I weigh about
130 pounds, I think. A cow weighs rather more than that.
I walk on two legs and have one stomach. Cows walk on
four legs and have four stomachs. I fail quite sadly
in these latter aspects. Moreover, while I enjoy salads
as much as the next vegan, I have never really had an
aptitude for grazing or cud-chewing. As a matter of
fact, I have TMJ and can't even chew gum, so cuds are
basically off-limits if I want to keep my jaw. So I
can't imagine why I would be likened to a cow.
Is this phenomenon living proof of the maxim "You are
what you eat," and that by eating meat and dairy these
omnivores are turning into cows and feeling the urge
to moo? This can't be it. They eat dead meat, and dead
meat doesn't moo. Besides, if they were really turning
into cows, they would start eating grass and chewing
cuds, as mentioned above.
Maybe because they wear cows' skins they think they
are dressed like cows and therefore moo to complete
the effect? This can't be it either. They have no more
similarities to a cow than I have, and as far as I know,
cows are content to wear their own skin. The cow impression,
if this is what they are trying to achieve, is lost
on me.
So omnivores are mooing at vegans not because the vegans
are like cows and not because the omnivores are like
cows. Is the omnivore, by mooing, trying to make us
think about cows? A noble gesture, inspiring us to pursue
our veganism even as they choose not to begin down that
path. Vegans know what happens to cows. Omnivores don't,
or don't care. If you ask me, I should be the one doing
the MOOOing!
Ah, imagine this day: I am dressed up like a cow, hanging
out in the humongous dairy section of my supermarket,
MOOOing and gesturing at my udder. (This is what you're
sucking on, people!) Of course, I'd get chased out of
that store, but there are lots of grocery stores and
cheese stores here in Aix.
Then I could move on to the meat shops -- MOOOing at
the customers and pointing to the blood on the aprons
and the blades, the heads on the birds (they don't decapitate
here), pointing to the place on my own cowbody that
corresponds to the cut of meat people want to eat. And
then there's always leather. I could go to shops and
MOOOO at people trying on their leather jackets ("How
do I look?" Like an otherwise intelligent and nice person
wearing a dead animal's skin.... "Is it me?" No, it's
a dead cow.)
Would it accomplish anything? Probably not, apart from
allowing me to vent my frustration with the un-vegan,
materialistic world that surrounds me. And, sadly, it
would probably be as inexplicable a gesture to most
omnivores as their MOOOing is to me.
LM
Aix-en-Provence, France
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