Children...An
Unessay!
I'm not writing an essay about children! Why not?
I can't take the ::sighs:: anymore. I am forty-six years
old and I am child free by choice. I knew when I was
fifteen years old that I had no interest in giving birth
or mothering. The reasons for my decision are not what
is important here, but the reactions of friends, family
and even total strangers are important. Throughout my
twenties people would ask when I was going to have children
and I always explained that I liked children, but giving
birth and being a mother had no appeal for me. My response
was always met with a deep sigh and usually a clicking
tongue. The question changed in my thirties...How soon
are you going to have children?...Your biological clock
is ticking, you know! ::sigh:: Um...ok, that's a good
reason to have children if ever I have heard one! Now,
in my forties the question has taken a different turn...Aren't
you afraid you're missing something by not having children?
Who will take care of you in your old age? ::sigh::
The reason I decided to write this unessay about children
grows out of a conversation I recently had in which
a mother tried to tell me that there is no greater love
than the love a mother has for her children. She also
went on to tell me that I was missing out on that love.
She was not the first to make that comment to me and
I am sure she will not be the last. I usually do not
try to respond to that kind of comment or to justify
my decision making, but maybe Vegan Views offers the
forum where I can give voice to my heart. I wanted so
much to say to that mother that for me love is not something
that can be rank ordered. I am certain that there are
different kinds of love and different ways of expressing
love, but love of one's own children is no greater or
better than the love I feel for all life. As I write
these words, I realize that I feel resentful at the
suggestion that someone has to give birth to know the
greatest love imaginable. It seems to me that such a
view devalues the love of people who for whatever reasons
cannot give birth. It devalues the love adoptive parents
feel for their children. It devalues the love I feel
for my friends and family (human and nonhuman!). Love
is there for all of us...in so many ways and forms if
we simply open our hearts.
I have always been willing to openly discuss my decision
to not have children, but my intent has never been to
win people over to my views. There are no sides as far
as I am concerned. Thoughtful, heartfelt discussion
about children and what they mean in our lives can only
make the world a better place for children. I have such
deep respect for anyone who decides to have children,
but I have trouble seeing myself asking someone why
they decided to have children and then heaving a deep
sigh at their response! You know, those sighs I get
always sound as if I am being accused of violating some
sort of law! So, no, these words are not an essay about
children and no one needs to sigh or click or their
tongue. It's not that I am afraid to speak on the subject
of children or to face the judgment of others. I know
myself, and I will probably never stop answering sincere
questions about my decision to not have children. But
I suspect I will be more outspoken about love as a life
force that cannot be measured and what that love means
in terms of reverence for all life.
C. Michele M.
Missouri
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