Children
I used to get uncomfortable telling people that I was
a teen mom. I was afraid of being faced with criticism.
However, things have changed. I got pregnant out of
wedlock (big no-no for a former Christian girl) when
I was eighteen years old. The father, my present husband,
Sam, wanted me to have the baby. However, my mother
and father, as well as my co-workers and supervisors,
were pushing me to have an abortion. I was young and
naive. I had just started college and I was suddenly
faced with "losing my chances" at a better life. Somehow,
everyone thought that having a baby would ruin my life
-- I was destined to quit college and become a supermarket
cashier (which I truly believe is not a bad job, anyway!)
Part of me begged and prayed for a miscarriage. Another
part wanted the abortion. Part of me wanted to keep
the child. Finally, I decided, within a matter of weeks,
that I would keep the child. This was the toughest decision
I'd ever had to make. My mother insisted that we get
married. My father refused to speak to Sam or come to
the wedding (which was a very simple ceremony in the
magistrate's office). My father's blatant disapproval
hurt me more than anything. I'd always been daddy's
girl. But I knew then that if I chose abortion, I would
feel like a murderer.
So, at only eighteen years old, I chose to have a baby
and marry. I suddenly moved out of my parents home and
moved to an apartment in Chapel Hill, where my only
furniture was an inflatable mattress and a black chest
full of dishes and personal supplies. I didn't even
have an air conditioner. As Sam was working back at
home, 90 miles away, he was away from me early on in
my pregnancy. I stayed in Chapel Hill because I was
determined to finish school there. I didn't think that
having a child should stop me from pursing my dreams.
I kept going to school right up until I had the baby.
Then I took about six weeks off and started back the
next semester.
Sam and I were too poor to afford daycare, so I took
Joel with me to class that first semester. I would take
exams with the baby in the professor's office. Joel
was pretty quiet during class, and my professors were
very understanding. However, my GPA plummeted because
I couldn't very well study and raise a newborn at the
same time. Sam and I would argue all the time, and we
would even argue about why we had the baby.
As harsh as these things may sound, they are a part
of my becoming a woman and a mother. Today, things are
very different. Sam has a good job, Joel has been in
daycare almost a full year, and I have been able to
continue school and also work part time. While sometimes
I feel guilty leaving my son at daycare to go to school,
I know that I will soon be able to provide him with
a better life. My point of view on life has changed
dramatically since having Joel. It used to be that getting
ahead and going to school were everything. I was always
the best where I had come from -- salutatorian of my
high school class, Ms. Intellectual, and I won tons
of awards on awards night. When I got pregnant, I sunk
down in the eyes of my peers and my parents. It took
two years to show them that I was responsible. It took
two years to show everyone that choosing Joel, and choosing
not to end his life, was the right choice. My father
adores Joel now. He understands that I am not going
to quit college. Becoming pregnant so young did not
condemn me to a life of unhappiness. Sure, there are
things I miss. I can't go out and party on the college
town. I have to come home, cook supper, get the baby
ready for bed, spend time with my husband, study, and
manage to find time for sleep.
Having Joel was a life-changing decision. I learned
to live for myself, and it was the first time I had
truly stood up against everyone else for what I thought
was right. I learned that the most important things
in life aren't always being on top. Sometimes it takes
being on the very bottom -- broke, diaperless, and running
low on formula while waiting on that paycheck -- to
understand what the top is all about. There is so much
more to life than material goods. Just watching my son
grow and learn, exploring the wonderful world around
him, I have come to understand myself and learn what
I stand for.
Tracy P.
North Carolina
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