Pretending
I pretend my husband isn't who he really is. Pretending
is the only way I can deal with loving him while finding
myself becoming increasingly more intolerant of his
omni lifestyle. And I'm not talking about just an
ordinary meat eater here, either; no, unfortunately
my husband not only eats animals, he kills them for
fun (he is an avid hunter and fisherman). Sometimes
I think of my ideals and how much they mean to me
and I feel devastated to realize that my partner,
the person with whom I am spending THE REST OF MY
LIFE will never understand them. When I feel like
this, it is hard not to fantasize about how incredible
it would have been to make my lifetime commitment
to someone who completely understood and agreed with
all the things that make me who I am. But the truth
of the matter is that this will not exist for me.
Despite his choice of lifestyle, I love him with
all my heart. He has so many traits I admire: he can
be so understanding, completely loving, just plain
good to me. He is my very best friend, and I love
him so much it is almost overwhelming sometimes. But
then there are the times when I worry about the almost
insurmountable challenge of sharing my life and future
with somebody who practically embodies everything
that I think is wrong with the world, and my heart
sinks.
In my husband's defense, I wasn't always a "hard-core"
vegan. Oh, I ate the vegan diet and did all the easy
personal protests like ditching the leather and reading
labels, but I was pretty passive. I knew and accepted
the fact that my husband ate meat, loved to fish,
and occasionally hunted; I just tried to overlook
it. I rationalized his crimes by reminding myself
that he should be able to make his own choices about
what is right and wrong just as I did. I told myself
that with time he would someday change his views.
But mostly I just pretended our differences didn't
exist. Unfortunately, this all changed once I started
reading more and more about veganism and meeting other
people who share my views. Now my eyes have really
opened up and my tolerance for his omni behavior has
plummeted.
We try to make compromises. He has cut down on meat
at home and will do some of his own cooking if meat
is a "must-have." He agreed to do the catch and release
thing (this came with his lecture about how this really
doesn't "hurt" the fish). We also agreed he would
hide his hunting trips from me (in my mind, hunting
is just a little worse than fishing, so if I could
pretend he was just off fishing it would put my mind
more at ease). But none of these compromises really
make what he does okay. In my situation, there are
two choices: either I can go on pretending it is okay
for him to lead his violent omni life or I can give
up the love of my life.
I don't think he will ever change. As hard as it
is for me to admit it, he will never ever come to
that enlightening moment when he realizes just how
wrong it is to exploit, kill, and consume animals.
He is not a cruel person, though; he loves dogs, finds
my cats amusing (although he is a little put off by
the feline attitude, but tolerant nonetheless), and
genuinely respects my feelings about animals.
But is this good enough? Will the reality of what
actually happens when he hunts and fishes become so
abhorrent that I can no longer bring myself to love
a man who does them? Pretending -- lying to myself
about what he does and who he is -- is the only answer
I have. Pretend the fish don't feel the sharpness
of the hook, don't feel the panic of being yanked
out of the water, don't feel the horror that their
lives will end at the hand of another. Pretend the
deer don't feel the terror of being hunted down or
the agony of the bullet. Pretend my husband doesn't
do this for "entertainment."
It would be much easier on my marriage to go back
to that sheltered, naive, ignorant omni view that
animals are put on this earth for humans; to be oblivious
to their pain; to tell myself that they don't matter.
But I can't pretend THESE atrocities are okay. I can
only pretend my husband doesn't commit them.
Wendy A.
Washington
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