|
Do you have questions about being vegan? Send them
to Jo using this easy form.
She would be happy to address your individual concerns
as well as general inquiries about vegan ethics, philosophy,
practical applications, and living compassionately.
Jo cannot respond to questions about nutrition or
answer questions that have already been addressed in
the Archives
Jo will make every attempt to answer each question
personally, however, due to her schedule, this may not
be possible. If a reply is forthcoming, it could take
up to a few weeks, so please be patient. It is also
possible that your question will be answered directly
in the "Ask Jo!" column rather than an individual
response.
If you'd like to view previous questions Jo has
answered, visit the Ask Jo! Archives.
Holiday
Heartache
My best friend, who is health conscious
and not completely vegetarian, invited my family to
a traditional Thanksgiving celebration. I turned her
down for the first time and she came back a few days
later offering to have a vegetarian feast instead. When
her old friends were told of the change in menu they
reacted with extreme hostility and now the whole thing
is off. I want so much to do something to help my friend
deal with her friends' hostility and I feel lost. Any
suggestions?
Holidays, particularly those that revolve
around family and friends, are notoriously hard on relationships.
Everyone comes with her or his own expectations of what
the "real" celebration should look and feel like. Invariably,
this leads to disappointment because reality rarely
lives up to our fantasies.
Many people are indoctrinated with nostalgic
sentiment and idealistic imaginings about the holidays.
For instance, we often like to think that we'll finally
get along with estranged family members, co-workers,
or friends. When our hopes are dashed, frustration and
anger can ensue.
It was thoughtful and considerate of
your friend to offer to prepare a vegetarian Thanksgiving
meal. Your friendship must be very important to her,
and she obviously respects your convictions, even though
she doesn't share them. When the family or friends of
a vegetarian are adamant about having a meat-centered
celebration in spite of the vegetarian's protestations,
they often are making several unspoken assertions:
- They are presuming that the meat
eaters should not be made to feel uncomfortable and
therefore they should not be forced to sacrifice their
dietary indulgences.
- They believe that meat is central
to the celebration and that it wouldn't be any fun
without it.
- If they are willing to sacrifice
the vegetarian's attendance because they want to maintain
the "turkey tradition," they are in essence stating
that the food or other guests take precedence over
the vegetarian's company.
- They surmise that a vegetarian feast
wouldn't be appealing, exciting, and/or satisfy their
appetite.
Many vegans and vegetarians are deeply
upset by the sight of a dead animal at the hub of a
supposed festive occasion. For activists who work all
year long to educate others about the horrors of the
slaughter industries, this can be especially distressing.
In a world where cadavers are prayed over and buried,
not displayed, a vegetarian is more likely to grieve
than rejoice.
Oftentimes meat eaters believe that
vegetarians should be satisfied as long as they have
something to eat. They are unaware that, for most vegetarians,
watching others gnaw on body parts causes anguish and
revulsion. On the other hand, a vegetarian feast offends
no one. Everyone can partake because there is nothing
immoral about not serving products of death. In addition,
when the guests all share the same food, instead of
the vegetarian being served something different, it
adds to a sense of conviviality and camaraderie.
If the group had a history of spending
Thanksgiving together, they may have felt that a vegetarian
event would spoil their established custom. They may
have thought your friend was showing favoritism and
were offended that perhaps she prefers you over them.
Also, the way your friend informed the other people
may have influenced their reaction. Many meat eaters
know very little about vegetarianism and have their
own preconceived notions that vegetarians subsist on
lettuce and carrot sticks -- not very appetizing fare
for a feast. They may have been indignant, thinking
that a vegetarian repast would leave them feeling hungry
and deprived. If the gathering was to be a potluck,
they may have felt overwhelmed or incensed by the thought
of having to prepare something unusual. In any case,
they may have felt hoodwinked into supporting something
they don't understand and/or don't care about.
If the event was to be a conventional
sit-down dinner or buffet where the host does all the
cooking, it may not have been necessary to inform the
guests in advance or even at all. When the menu is sufficiently
diverse and delicious, few people notice that anything
is "missing" unless it is pointed out to them.
Even though you were the catalyst for
the change in venue and feel lousy about the aftermath,
you are not responsible for your best friend's feelings
or for the callous treatment she received from her other
friends. True friendship does not dissolve the instant
something goes awry. People who care about each other
talk things out, try to understand the other's point
of view, and give as well as take. Her fair weather
pals failed miserably when their friendship was put
to the test. Even if they felt that you were being given
preferential treatment or that your friend favored you
over them, it does not excuse their immature or insensitive
behavior.
Your friend made a choice to support
you and defend your beliefs. There was no guarantee
that the group would be receptive. She took a risk on
your behalf, but that does not make you culpable. You
can demonstrate your gratitude by comforting your friend
and offering solace and a sympathetic ear. However,
you cannot erase the pain and heartache she feels over
her friends' rancor. It is unfortunate that you are
bearing the brunt of this sad situation, but the discord
is between her and her other friends. They are the ones
who must be held accountable for the dissolution or
recovery of their relationship, not you.
Copyright © 1998-2013 by Jo Stepaniak
All rights reserved.
Nothing on this web site may
be reproduced in any way
without express written permission from the copyright
holder.
|
