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From: hsmom23 (66-190-146-041.dhcp.hckr.nc.charter.com)
Subject:         what now?
Date: July 4, 2006 at 4:48 pm PST

Well, I knew this would happen. My ex called and said he wrote the lawyer about child support. (They'll use the chart to redetermine income/2minor kids. We'd originally agreed to a higher amount than the chart showed because 1) I homeschooled our three children 2) I agreed not to ask for alimony or his profit sharing, 401K etc. (I know I was an idiot not to negotiate these separately). Anyhow my oldest turned 18 but he agreed to pay while she was in college (technically he said, we'll take it year by year). So, she'll be 19 in Nov. and he's stopping 1/3 of the child support (3 kids) but I have no idea how I'm going to make it up. I've been trying to figure it out for a year...looking for other work (I do work, but don't make enough to pay the bills) and I've been in school full time, but I'm not through it yet. (2 more years for my BS) If I drop out to work another job, I'll still be in bad shape when the next two turn 18 - because my lowly income isn't going to change much without skills/degree. At least finishing school, I have a chance at earning more and eating when they leave, though I suppose it's not guaranteed!
I know I need to stay faithful and trust the Lord will take care of us, but we just hung up and I'm soooo emotionally messed up right now! I'm scared and confused, and totally unsure of what to do. I don't know if we'll have to move again...
I just feel like it's one step forward, two steps back.. .all the time!

I've been asking God so long to make it clear what I should do (homeschool/public school) should I work full time or part time, take the student loan or not, finish my degree online or what? The situation keeps getting more complex, but the answers no more clear. I'm getting Baptized Saturday the 17th and though my faith is in tact, it is weird that the timing is when I also feel so completely helpless and have lately wondered if He's ever going to make Himself known on this one. Maybe it's not so weird... but I was thinking before like when I planned to be baptized I was so sure and glad to do it, then I started thinking these bad things were that He didn't want me to be, like I wasn't worthy and all that, and that made me feel bad, like I'm a doubter... but now I guess I realize typing this that He's reminding me I'm not worthy, that I can't do it alone and so I guess when I go into that water I'll definitely be going as I should, humble, helpless and knowing how fortunate I am that He died for me and is there to receive me.

I feel a little bit better, I can't breathe out of my nose anymore and there's half a roll of toilet paper wadded up on my desk, but thanks for letting me cry to all of you.
I don't even really want his money... I just want to be able to get by. You know? If I could make what I receive from him, I'd say forget the child support. I don't need a bunch of extras... I just want to be able to have a roof over our head, food on the table... electricity is nice.. LOL.


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