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From: Saysfaa (
Subject:         maybe
Date: October 21, 2008 at 4:34 pm PST

In Reply to: daughters... posted by amy on October 21, 2008 at 7:13 am:

First, what a heartbreaking situation, (((amy and family))).

We want our teens to be responsibly independent, so we are upfront about encouraging them to make decisions. We are also clear that we won't support some decisions. We will still love them no matter what they do or don't do. Love is patient, love is kind.... but love is not helping someone damage themselves.

If we were in your situation, we would not support her other than listening to her and giving her honest advise and things like that. Nothing financial (including health insurance and schooling). In our state, if the parents (legal guardians) aren't involved, it isn't homeschooling... so no records from us, or signitures on anything.

My almost 18 yo says, be sure to initiate conversations - general how are you, what is going on, here's how we are type of conversations. Knowing that she may or may not respond well, it will help tremendously in letting her know that you still love her and are not rejecting her despite not supporting her choices. My 16 yo says to be sure to pray a lot for her (and for things like health in your relationship and that she will feel your love and that God will work in her life). My 18yo dd has gone from wanting independence herself a few years ago to seeing how the world works and what happened to many of her friends who didn't get some reality from their parents to saying she "wouldn't put it as nice" as her brothers.... she doesn't want me to write what she actually said, but a toned down version is "when she is ready to be responsible with her choices then she can again enjoy the benefits of the family".

Wow. I thought I was too brutally honest, and my kids think I was too soft. They've seen what happens to people who grow up without reality checks, and are telling me it is important to learn what responsible independence is as soon as possible.

You can't (well, shouldn't try) to make her come back. But it is right to let real independence be real independence.... so the consequences can be felt if that is the only way the dc will learn them.

Anyway, that is how it would work in our family.

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