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From: frazzledmom23 (gra-bb-pppoe-5-ws-206.dsl.airstreamcomm.net)
Subject:         Feeling down......:0(
Date: March 13, 2008 at 9:22 am PST

For years I used to frequent this site and it was wonderful. I haven't been around much the last few years.....life has been so crazy. I didn't even realize there was an Encouragement board. Here's my story....just feels good to tell someone. I apologize that it's so long. My 3 kids are 15, 12 and 4. We have always homeschooled. 3 years ago we moved so my husband could go to college full time (he's 44). We are, and always have been (and probably always will be) very low income. He qualified for grants and scholarships to go to school. This should be his final year in school. We were renting a great house from some friends, but a year ago they wanted to move back in. We had very little time to find something and all that was in our ridiculously low price range was a mobile home in town; which we bought. We still own the home we lived in before moving here. My husbands job is only seasonal (off-season he's in school).

Last year we decided to try Connections Academy. The main reasons were because I wouldn't have to buy curriculum and I wanted my 12 year old to "answer" to someone other than me (he can get very obstinant about doing school). He really struggled with CA because his reading and writing is so poor. He was 11 at the time and placed in 4th grade with 3rd grade math and 1st/2nd grade spelling. Because he's behind in reading, I basically have to sit with him and help him to do everything.....or it would take him forever to get anything done. So fast forward to this school year....I thought, I'd just do it myself again with him. It's been a disaster. I feel tired most of the time taking care of a 4 year old, trying to make extra money selling on eBay (which takes lots of time), we moved into the mobile home (which also took a lot of my time). My oldest is in a virtual school for 9th grade and also taking a 90 minute class up at the High School every day (so I drop her off and pick her up each day). She often needs help with her assignments because the virtual High School is very challenging. When daughter is at her class I rush home and try to work on the computer getting an auction ready. Then it's time to pick her up and then she's on the computer the rest of the day. By that time it's already lunch and I haven't even gotten to my sons school work yet. So, we try to do what we can in the afternoon, but it never seems to get all done. I have him taking a reading class at the library 2 days a week (he hates it). I think there is improvement there. His spelling is just beyond horrible. He still spells almost everything phonetically. We are trying Sequential Spelling and I don't really know if this is helping yet or not. It's March and he's hardly gotten anything done. I try to get the basics of reading, math and spelling every day (sometimes that doesn't even happen).....so subjects like science and history often fall by the way side.

To make matters worse, I think, is that my husband only goes to school 4 days a week. That means every single Friday he thinks it's just fine to take our son with him where ever they want to go. Our son works with him during the work season so I can't even school him through the summer. This is another reason I've considered putting him back into CA for next year. That way I can say that he has school scheduled for Friday (we schedule it for Friday now.....but because it's just my schedule that seems to mean that it's flexible).

My husband is in a bad mood 95% of the time. He can go for weeks and barely speak to me. If I say something he usually responds very unkindly. Just typing those few lines is making me tear up. I don't tell anyone these things (who would I tell anyway??). He been mad at me since the beginning of this year. I would try to ask him why. He would never talk. Finally he tells me that he is working so hard and that either he has to get a part time job at night or I do. If he does it will "kill him". He won't have any time to get his school projects done. The last 2 years he had a part-time job on Fridays and the weekends while he went to school. This year he decided not to do that, I think because of wanting to work on his school projects. He says I have never contributed finacially to this family (which I beg to differ with....I have had jobs on occasion. I admit it's been a long time). I've been a stay-at-home mom homeschooling our kids. I only graduated from High School. What kind of high paying job am I gonna get? Vehicles are breaking down, we can't pay our taxes on either house let alone just the monthly bills, we can't buy anything or go anywhere, we have to put everything (gas, husband's school books, tuition, everything) on our credit card, which is up to about $8,000 now. We basically live on the grant money, which is about run out. So, I applied at a couple places in town (I do not want to, but I did this just to try to appease my husband). My applications looked like a joke. A pizza restaurant actually called me and I had an interview. They might call me this week. I want them to call and I don't want them to. If they do, I'll have to work 3 - 4 nights a week. I know that even if I do this, in a year from now my husband will just say that I never really ever contributed to our family finacially. His idea lately is that after he's done with school, I should go to school and he'll stay at home and school the kids while running a business from home. Then he'll say things like, "but you'll never do that"....."you don't ever want to work"...."you'll never get a job and bring home money". He doesn't have a clue on how to school kids or take care of them. I am not interested in becoming rich and being away from my kids so I can go to school. Life is so short and they grow too fast. I want to be home with them. Am I being selfish? He's mad that we've been married 23 years and he's 44 and we "live in a tin can". He's mad that I don't bring home money. He's mad if I buy anything (which I extremely try to be careful to not do). There's no pleasing him and I thought going to school for his "dream job" would make him happy. He's just angry all the time that other people have nice cars and nice homes and things and we never will.

I'm trying to research stay-at-home jobs and all I find seem like scams. I'm trying to sell on eBay but I don't have a lot of stuff to sell. He thinks I must do nothing all day....because he doesn't "see" it. I'm sure you mom's can probably relate.....every day its schooling, cleaning, washing dishes (all day it seems), cooking, feeding kids, laundry, the list goes on and on. I'm constantly doing something that needs to be done from the time I wake up until late at night. The problem is that I just don't get paid for it. We are on food stamps and medical assistance. We can't even make it through the month without running out of the food stamps.

I have a box just chock full of preschool books and activities for my 4 year old and I hardly have time to do any of it with her. I am proud that she does know almost every sound of the alphabet. If I had more time with her she could probably be reading by now. I open enrolled my son to CA for next year.....but I don't know what to do. He can't go to public school because he has some health problems. I love our curriculum (not a packaged curriculum, but things I have chosen after years of trial and error) in comparison to CA. In our state, virtual school has been brought to the courts and they want to put a cap on it. Meaning that only those who have a child already in the virtual school, and only those who opened enrolled this Feb (which I did) will be accepted. The cap won't allow anyone else to join until the cap is removed (if ever). So, if I don't do it this year I may totally miss out in future years to do it. But, I don't even know where they'd place him. Age wise I think he should be going into 8th grade??! If he did CA 4th last year he should be in CA 6th next year but I don't think he can do it because this year, 5th, has been barely anything. If they place him in 5th they'll wonder what in the world did we do for a whole year. I feel like I totally bombed this year with him and I so did not intend to do that. What can I do now.....it's already March!? In 2 months the season starts for my husband's work and they will be on jobs 7 days a week from dawn to nearly midnight.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm just feeling kind of down today. I should be schooling my son at this very moment, but my husband is home for the week (spring break from school) so of course they are outside doing stuff (they don't goof around....they do work, but it's not really the work our son should be doing right now). If you made it this far, thanks for listening.


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