So I Married A Flesh-Eater

His Food, Her Food:
The Mixed-Marriage Kitchen
by Kira Sampson

So you've decided to become a vegetarian, and now you're faced with a freezer full of m**t left over from your carnivore days. You'd like to throw it out, but your partner objects both because of the expense and because he/she still eats m**t. What do you do?

Remember the "tolerance" and "flexibility" I mentioned in the first article? Well, this is one of the tests where you're going to need to exercise those "tolerance muscles" and see how flexible they really are. If you're an ethical vegetarian (as opposed to choosing vegetarianism purely for health reasons), this may be especially hard, and you may have to ask yourself what is more important, being a "pure" vegetarian and keeping a "pure" kitchen, or keeping your marriage/partnership intact.

Also, let's look at your partner's reaction. If vegetarianism is a fairly new development for you, your partner may think it is just a passing fad. Let's be honest with ourselves, here -- how many times have you developed a new passion and decided that this was the most important thing in your life, only to drop it a few weeks or a few months later? It may take time -- perhaps years -- to convince your partner that you are serious about vegetarianism, and that this is a life-long commitment.

So now that you've decided you're going to be the model of understanding and tolerance, how do you handle that freezer full of m**t? Well, if your partner cooks, it won't be too much of a problem -- you can simply say, "If you want m**t, you'll have to cook it -- and when the m**t in the freezer is gone, I'm not buying any more." If your partner wants it, he/she will have to buy it and cook it himself/herself. If your partner doesn't cook, and refuses to learn, then tell him/her you're giving it away to a food bank or other charity. That takes care of some of the cost factor -- at least it's tax-deductible!

Of course, if you don't cook, that is an entirely new problem. I have only one word of advice for you: Learn!!

And speaking of cooking, now we come to the issue of separation of cooking/eating utensils. Some ethical vegetarians do not want any kind of m**t products to even touch anything they cook on or eat off. In the mixed-marriage kitchen, this can be difficult, but it is do-able -- although initially it can be somewhat expensive. The easiest answer is simply to buy a new set of dishes, silverware, and cooking utensils. Make sure they are of a different color and/or design from the original items so that you (and your partner) can easily tell them apart. You may want to keep them in different cupboards or drawers as well. You will have to decide for yourself whether you can tolerate washing them in the same dishwasher or the same dishwater, depending on the method you choose. (By the way, whether you are vegetarian or not, you should always use a separate cutting board for m**t and vegetables.)

If you don't want any meat products in the house at all, it may be a little more difficult. It depends on how tolerant and understanding your partner is, and how strong your marriage/partnership is. Settling this issue will probably require a lot of heart-to-heart talks, and maybe even a little counseling. The most important thing is to try to keep your partner's point of view in mind. He/she has not yet "seen the vegetarian light", and your actions may have a strong influence on how soon (or even whether) that happens. If you are intolerant and inflexible, insistent that things must be exactly the way you want them to be, with no exceptions, your partner may see vegetarianism as his/her biggest enemy instead of a life-affirming way of living. And that isn't your goal at all, is it?

So, to "tolerance" and "flexibility" we must add "patience". Give your partner time to adjust to this new way of life. Be understanding when he/she gets frustrated and impatient and wishes that things would go back to "the way they used to be". Growth and change are always difficult, and when two people are not growing and changing at the same rate or in the same ways, it can be very difficult. So how do you handle it?

Try to remember all those good qualities you saw in your partner in the beginning, and cherish that secret hope that he/she, too, will eventually see the vegetarian light!

Throughout this article, I have made the assumption that you are a couple without children, perhaps together for only a few years. What happens if you've been married for a while and have several children, and then make the decision to become a vegetarian? Well, that will be dealt with in my next article:

Next time:
YOU VERSUS YOUR FAMILY:
"I'M VEGETARIAN, THEY'RE NOT -- HELP!!

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Kira Sampson is a writer, homeschool mother, news editor, and editor/publisher of two newsletters, one for her local homeschool group and the other for a local writer's group.

She is also one of the Founders of People for Children & Animals, Inc. Her column, One Woman's Perspective, is a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.