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A Non-Smoker's Revenge
by Jean d'Isle

while back I wrote about the challenging sport of Competitive Road Troving, whereby one so disposed can combine competition with financial gain by retrieving other people's money from the streets, sidewalks and parking lots of urban America. There is a related activity which, though it lacks the glamour and competitive aspect of Road Troving, offers both tangible and psychological rewards. It is called . . . picking up trash.

This would not, at first blush, appear to be a particularly rewarding enterprise. But if you are a person like myself, who has long been irritated by the cavalier behavior of smokers regarding the disposal of their detritus, it has a certain environmental appeal. Couple the altruistic aspect with the very real opportunity to benefit economically, and overlay that with the smug satisfaction that, as a non-smoker, you are circumventing the insidious purpose of the tobacco pitchmen , and it starts to make sense.

What has brought about this windfall is the desperate competition among tobacco companies to induce more people to poison themselves on specific brands of cigarettes. Joe C*m*l, the M*rlb*ro Man and other tobacco icons have grabbed public attention and increased market share for their respective products. But there is also a multi-million dollar campaign to encourage smoker allegiance to certain brands by offering a variety of prizes, from tools to TV sets, in exchange for the UPC's (Universal Product Code) from the cigarette packs.

The propensity of smokers to crumple and toss the empty packs wherever they happen to be, provides the alert runner/walker with boundless opportunities to gather the UPC's required for these prizes. Over the past few years since I stumbled upon this scheme, I have accumulated:

• a full range of camping equipment (sleeping bags, backpacks, tents, lanterns, portable grills)
• a variety of carrying bags
• inflatable boats
• fishing equipment
• bicycles
• tools
• portable TV sets
• blenders
• thermoses
• binoculars
• clocks
• an array of athletic clothing

and numerous other miscellaneous items. This merchandise is usually top quality name brand, to which the tobacco companies have attached their logo (easily removable in many cases).

When I first started to capitalize on this give-away program, I had a slight moral conflict. To claim a prize, one must certify to being over 21 (no problem) and a smoker (never have been, never will be). Frankly, I didn't agonize over this issue long—the moral high ground is not in dispute when dealing with companies whose products kill tens of thousands of people every year.

For those who might wish to engage in this rewarding activity, I offer the following pointers:

Obtain a catalogue of prizes and an order form to know what to look for. (You can get these at no cost by calling the 800 number of the company. Be sure to hack and cough a lot when you talk to them).

Alert your family and friends that you are collecting specific UPC's (you'll usually find them happy to keep their eyes open and save them for you).

A useful collection technique, particularly for runners, is to use the cellophane wrapper from a cigarette pack as a container to hold the UPC's you gather over the course of a run (they stay dry and are easier to carry).

If you are to derive the full enjoyment of this undertaking, you should be a non-smoker. Otherwise, where's the revenge?

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Jean d'Isle is a retired naval officer living in Hawaii.During his military career he served in a number of overseas assignments, including Germany, England, Spain, Viet Nam and Puerto Rico. Following his retirement, he was an adjunct faculty member of Hawaii Pacific University and is currently under contract with the U.S. Navy at the submarine base in Pearl Harbor.

Jean's column, View From d'Isle, is a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.