Kids' Korner

Time to Move On...
by Janet Tubbs

oung children in a happy, healthy family don’t show signs of low self-esteem or feel worthless, yet many adults have such a poor self-image that it prevents them from living full, rich, productive lives. Most of us can recall things that were said or done by parents or someone whose opinion we respected—things that really hurt.

Sometimes these things are said with a chuckle, to soften the cutting edge of the knife:

• Mother to child with dripping ice cream cone: “What a little slob. I can’t take you anywhere.” (chuckle)

• Grandma to 13-year old: “Well, you’re no beauty, but you’ve got brains and some men like that.” (smile)

• Father to son who trips over a rug in a dark hallway, “What a klutz!” (ha ha)

• “Hey, Brillo-head” to a curly-headed, shy girl. (entire class laughs)

Take a minute to think about something someone said to you that hurt your feelings. If you’re still holding onto it (and you probably are since you remember it), it’s time to let it go. Hanging on to anger and resentment doesn’t hurt the offending person, it only hurts you. This can literally destroy you. As you think about the most hurtful comments made to you, keep in mind that they were probably said in a moment of anger or thoughtlessness.

It may help to believe the adage, “What goes around, comes around” -- that at some point everyone must answer for his or her actions. This is certainly a healthier outlook than one of seeking revenge or re-telling stories of the wrong done to you 30 years ago.

Now, forgive them. Most remarks are made out of ignorance or a need to be accepted. Look at the comments and let them go or the pattern will, in all probability, be passed on to your children and theirs. Hopefully, people will finally realize that verbal and emotional abuse is every bit as destructive as physical abuse—and break the pattern.

Now that you’ve examined some of the painful comments that you stored away for years, it’s time to look at the things you may say and do to your children. It’s important that you don’t feel guilty about this. There are very few parents who don’t feel twinges of guilt about some of the things said and done in moments of anger that caused tears to well up in their child’s eyes. Any yet, most parents do the very best they know how, making mistakes and hopefully learning from them.

A simple rule of thumb is to remember that most statements made in anger that start with “You” are attacking, and those that a begin with “I” are non-threatening. For example:

“You make me so angry, I could scream!”
“I really feel angry right now.”

“You’re so loud! Can’t you pipe down?!”
“I’d really appreciate it if you would lower your voice a little.”

Sound easy? It may not be. Breaking patterns that were set in the impressionable young years is often difficult, but it can be done. You have to first become sensitive to your child’s reaction to you. When you say something, does he look hurt, about to cry, scared? If so, you need to back off and ask yourself, “What did I say to make him afraid of me?” If you can’t come up with the answer, maybe you should ask your child, remembering the rule of thumb of “you” and “I”. How about, “I noticed that you were hurt by what I said, and I’m sorry. Can we talk about it?” instead of “You’re such a baby! What’s the matter now?”

Remember, do unto others...

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Janet Tubbs is founder and president of Children’s Resource Center, in Scottsdale, Arizona.

She is also one of the Founders of People for Children & Animals, Inc. Her column, Kids' Korner, is a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.

You can visit Janet's home page by clicking on this link:

Children's Resource Center