jacko Bares It All

If the Flames Don't Fit,
You Must Acquit
by johnnie Cochran

adies and Gentleman, once again an innocent man stands accused of a crime he did not commit, and I will not rest, I will not sleep, I will not do ANY talkshows (so long as he pays my retainer) until he is a free man and his name is cleared.

My very close friend and client, jacko Cohen, was recently and unjustly slapped with a baseless, bogus, meritless, worthless, phony $10 million lawsuit by the Women in Wheelchairs Club of America. And that's not the only outrage! jacko is also presently under indictment by the FIPA (Federal Internet Protection Agency) -- all of this for flames he is alleged to have committed, but did not commit.

I am not going to sit by and watch the lynch mob go after yet another innocent, respected, trustworthy, charitable and rich man. I smell lies! I smell distortion! I smell planted evidence! I smell conspiracy! (Hmm...I smell a book deal!)

Yes, jacko has been a trusted, faithful, reliable, close personal friend of mine for many, many years now. Many years. And he is a fine, upstanding, law-abiding, honest, kind and virtuous member of the Beverly Hills community. I personally know that he donates carloads of cash to many, many people (who will do him favors). He is an unselfish, moral, upright, ethical fellow, and -- as many of us close to him know -- is very active in the bacteria rights movement.

WHO KNOWS HOW MANY BACTERIA HAVE BEEN SAVED due to the tireless efforts of this fine man! I, myself, have done a lot of pro bono work for jacko's non-profit organization, "jacko's Kids" (pro bono for me means I only charge half my usual rate). Folks, I have never known jacko to say a cross word to anyone, much less commit a flame on someone's person. He is considerate and generous to a fault -- Kato Kaelin, who was forced to vacate his free lodgings during the last outrage perpetrated upon the court, is now living in the guest cottage on jacko's estate. I ask you, who else would give that middle-aged, traitorous surfer dude, Kato, a place to hang his dirty jeans? NO ONE but jacko!

I swear on my honor as an attorney that Jacko has never flamed anyone, nor has he assumed other identities to make his flames. He never posted, as his accusers are now alleging, at the Adopt-a-Grandmother Center as the "Depends Adult Diapers Sales Rep." LIES!

Contrary to the assertions in this sham lawsuit, jacko has NEVER been to the Chemotherapy-Support-Site and posted as the "Zsa Zsa Gabor Wig Salesman." DISTORTION!

We also deny categorically that he ever posed as "Agent Orange" at the Flowers-for-Veterans Board. PLANTED EVIDENCE!

And these Women in Wheelchairs, who now accuse my client of posting as "Mechanic Looking to Meet Babes on Wheels" are under a serious misapprehension. CONSPIRACY! SET UP! NOT GUILTY!

The injustice currently being perpetrated on this, our beloved jacko, reminds me of another case against an innocent man that I won virtually single-handedly (despite the "help" of a few others). Yes, I am talkin' ‘bout none other than everyone's favorite breakfast drink, the esteemed Juice himself, Mr. Orenthal James Simpson.

I am sending out a call to the former members of our once famous Dream Team to come to jacko's side at his hour of need. I am willing to put aside my differences with Robert Cardashian, that skunk-haired, suitcase-toting, badly-dressed S.O.B.;

I am willing to work again with Robert Shapiro, that too-tanned, greedy, oily Hollywood suck-up;

F. Lee Bailey: I'll bail YOU out of jail if you'll step up to the bar and bash some DNA (oops, I mean computer gateway evidence) experts around!

Barry Sheck and Alan Dershowitz -- jacko can pay his legal bills! So get your butts out to L.A.!

jacko is an innocent man -- he can beat this rap and avoid paying a 10 million dollar judgement! And I think we can charge about 20 MILLION to get him off.  __________________________________________________

johnnie Cochran is a noted attorney and bill collector. He is writing jacko's column this week on his own advice.

jacko's column, jacko Bares It All, is, unfortunately, a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.