jacko Bares It All

jacko at the 1996
Mr. World Competition
(he won)

My Story
by jacko

here are so many, many stories about jacko's life I could share with you...but as this is a vegetarian site, I'll try to stay on topic. So, for my many, many fans out there on the WWW -- and especially for those who have sent me lots of money -- I'd like to share with you how jacko became a vegetarian.

One of the questions I'm often asked is how I have achieved my splendiferous physique.

"Do you use the Health Rider, jacko?"

"Did you pay $29.95-a-month for three months for one of those Ab-Roller doo-hickeys (shipping and handling added to the first month's payment)?"

"Did you buy one of those videos from the guy with the ponytail who jumps around and screams a lot?"

No, no, and no. (And I can't stand guys with ponytails. I would never buy anything from a guy with a ponytail.)

Well, now my secret can finally be revealed. I look as magnificent as I do because I became a vegetarian.

Believe it or not, I was once a primo cyber-geek. I used to look like this:

...stuck in the ‘70's, could barely peel those polyester pants off my porky posterior, and I was thinking of buying stock in the Archway Cookie Company. But don't worry, jacko fans, even though I looked like a geek, I was still getting plenty of chicks. The babes really go for charm, and I got loads to spare.

Anyway, back to how I became a vegetarian. Years back, I was sunning my buns at the Club Med in Tahiti, and what should walk by but a couple of bodacious Australian sheilas. I turned to my buddy, Wally, and said, "Look, one for each of us."

To make a long story short, there wasn't one for each of us. There was two for me, and zip for Wally. And they were very friendly girls, Olivia and Nicole, and wanted to see a lot more of me. They invited me to come visit them in their homeland.

Now I'm a very accommodating guy, so I agreed. A week later, I was winging my way down under. We were all supposed to go to a secret, remote beach the girls were real high on, but Olivia got food poisoning from the bad shrimp, and couldn't stomach making the trip. Nicole and I decided to go anyway.

Well, after three hours of bumping around in the outback in Nicole's jeep, I was remarking on how surprised I was to learn that Nicole was two years younger than Olivia when I had thought she was at least ten years older. She must have had second thoughts about taking me to the beach, because she stopped the car right around then and told me to get out, "fast!" and left me standing there in the dust.

Not exactly what I was expecting. I sat by the side of the road for a couple of hours waiting for Nicole to come back for me, but I guess she forgot she left me there, because she didn't. So I decided to walk home, but I had no idea how to get there.

It started to get very dark. I couldn't even see my pinkie rings. Suddenly I spotted a light in the distance, and walked toward it. As I came closer to the light, I started to hear music, and people singing. Saved -- and there's even a party going on. Maybe I can score some brewskies!

So I walked right into the middle of the crowd and said, "Hey, I'm here! Where's the keg?" The head guy, he looked like this:

He said something to a couple of the guys who were dancing around with a lot of mud and white stuff on their faces, and they grabbed me and took me to one of their huts. They must have thought I was tired. They made me stay there for a few days, probably because they thought I needed to rest up after my long walk.

One thing I could say about those Kookaburras -- they're great cooks. And it was all vegetarian. They were getting me hooked. After six days of sleeping in the hut, they finally let me out, and started running me around the compound. I think they were trying to help me get in shape, what with the diet and exercise and chasing me around throwing things at me.

After two more weeks of feeding me some vegetarian food and then running me around the compound, my polyester pants were starting to get pretty loose, and I knew I was looking good, cause the head guy's daughter was making eyes at me.

One night, after three months of vegetarian food and jogging around with the Kookaburras, there came a knock on my door. It was Maliba, the head guy's daughter.

She told me in Kookaburra (which I was now fluent in) that it was time for me to go back to my people. I was shocked. The idea of leaving hadn't occurred to me. I had been very happy living there with the Kookaburras. The food was great -- and man, I was no longer a cyber-geek. I wanted to live with the Kookaburras forever. And I was really starting to like Maliba, too.

But Maliba told me there was a bus that came through there every three months, and I had better get on it so I could get back home. And if I didn't go, there were no more free meals to be had.

I got on the bus.

I learned a lot from the Kookaburras. They're very honest, they don't believe in killing animals for food, and they make great personal trainers. Look at what they did for me: they gave me the body of a god, and the diet to keep it that way. I will always be grateful to them. You should be, too: you 're the ones who get to enjoy the miracle they worked -- me!

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jacko has been a vegetarian for 15 years, and has been very active in the bacteria rights movement. He lives in a 20-room mansion deep in the heart of Beverly Hills (90210) with his wife, Maliba, their 3 children, dog, cat and Kookaburra bird.

His column, jacko Bares It All, is, unfortunately, a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.