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Is It Worth Dying For?
by Kira Sampson

ou know, I usually try to keep a fairly light tone in this column, even when I’m discussing something serious. But, since I also talk about what’s going on in my life, or what has gone on in the past, there will be times when my mood is darker and my tone is -- well, let’s just say it’s not light. That’s the case this week, because I am trying to fight an addiction, and I hope that talking about my struggle will help someone else out there with theirs.

What addiction, you ask? To food. I am a compulsive overeater. I have tried many, many times to conquer this obsession, and have been able to for short periods of time, even up to six or seven months. My specific addiction is sugar in all its forms, but particularly junk food such as Coca-Cola and sweets. Those are comfort foods to me. When something is not going well in my life, I can always turn to food -- it never lets me down. The sweet taste and satisfying feeling are always there. And when things are going well, I reward myself with those same sensations. So there is never a time that food is not an integral part of my emotional life.

But then, of course, I have to face the consequences -- the weight gain, the constant feeling of fatigue, the knowledge that I am slowly and surely killing myself. I don’t want to die. I particularly don’t want my son to grow up without his mother. I want to live to see my grandchildren and, if God should be so kind, my great-grandchildren.

It’s not a lack of knowledge. I know exactly what foods are good for me and which ones aren’t. I know how wonderful I feel when I’m eating properly. I have so much more energy, and I’m always astonished at how much better my stomach feels. Instead of being tied up in knots all the time, there is a relaxed, peaceful feeling in my abdomen. It’s almost as if it isn’t there at all.

From April until about August of this year, I did very well with my eating, and I lost about 45 pounds. Gradually, though, my motivation waned and my control wavered. By the time we came back from Colorado in the middle of September, it took only a few weeks before I slipped completely back into my old habits once more. Now, I know it’s difficult to maintain a diet on vacation, but it was more than that. I just didn’t care any more.

It’s taken me from mid-September to mid-December to work up the courage and motivation to try again. Usually I have some sort of catch-phrase to keep reminding myself of my reasons for wanting to eat properly. Last time it was, "I can’t control anything or anyone else in my life (my husband, my son, my boss, outside circumstances), but I can control what I eat." That worked until I didn’t care about the control any more -- I just wanted to feel better.

This time, my catch-phrase is, "Is it worth dying for?" Yes, it tastes good, but is it worth it, considering what it’s doing to my body? Is it worth the years I might not have to enjoy life? Is it worth the debilitating disease (or diseases) that I know I will eventually suffer from if I continue to eat the wrong foods?

So far, so good. I welcome the hunger I feel as a result of eating less. I look forward to the time, which should hopefully be in just a few days, when I feel that peaceful sensation in my middle again, and I know that my body is starting to heal from the damage that I’ve done to it. I hope that I’ll be able to continue indefinitely, or, if I fall off the wagon, that I’ll be able to get back on quickly. I’ll keep you posted.

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Kira Sampson is a writer, homeschool mother, news editor, and editor/publisher of two newsletters, one for her local homeschool group and the other for a local writer's group.

She is also one of the Founders of VegSource. Her column, One Woman's Perspective, is a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.