jacko Bares It All

It's A Wonderful Life
by jacko

or some reason, my in-laws in the Kookaburra tribe love to put on the dog at Thanksgiving. Maybe it makes them feel Westernized or something. I mean, Thanksgiving is an American holiday, right? Well, even so, Maliba's ma and her pals seem to get a thrill out of cooking for days and days and then feasting with the family for several more. Okay, I put up with it, but a guy can only take so much family togetherness before getting a little deranged, and then wanting to take some target practice on his wife's younger sister's derriere. When Maliba saw me reaching for my blow dart set and gazing longingly at Bagooga's rump, she knew it was time for me to get out of the hut for a couple days.

Bidding a fond farewell to Bagooga's plump posterior, I decided to cruise over to New Zealand for the weekend for a little helicopter snowboarding. I have this friend, Coolie, who's a chopper pilot in Auckland, and he not only knows the places with the best powder, but where to locate the best brewskies down under.

It was great to get away. Coolie and I were dipping and flying over the most gorgeous scenery to set foot on this planet. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Little did I know how close I was going to get to heaven that day. Coolie had just dive bombed a nest of Kiwis (he likes to watch them scamper when they hear the sound of the whirring blades) when we hit an air pocket, and BOOM! We crashed right into the side of the mountain where I was going to ski.

When I came to, I felt better than I've ever felt in this life. I found myself floating quietly over the wreck, and I looked down and saw myself stretched out limply over our kegster. Suddenly, I realized I was having some kind of out of body experience, just like something you'd hear about on Sally Jesse Raphael (I love that babe).

So I started to move towards this light above me. The sky was opening up like a flower, and I was flying higher and higher. Man, I had a feeling of peace and tranquility like I haven't experienced since the weekly brunches I used to have with Tim Leary.

I landed in a place that was totally and completely white, except for this big red recliner chair. This Wise Guy (I think he was my guardian angel) was kicked back in the recliner. "Hey!" I said. "Which way to the brewskies?"

"Not here, jacko," he answered.

"Oh sh*t! Is this hell?!"

He just laughed and shook his head. "Well, brewskies or not, this place is great!" I said. "Where can I get me one of those Barcaloungers?"

"No, jacko," the Wise Guy said, and then he explained that my number wasn't up yet, I still had some things to take care of down there; I should go back.

"Well, you know, now that I'm here, I was thinking of staying," I said. I was sure he knew about my recent legal troubles, and with the upcoming Congressional investigation and the possibility of the IRS coming back into the picture...I told him the way I figured it, maybe I should never have been born on terra firma at all.

"Don't say that!" the W.G. replied. And then he thought out loud, like he was talking to some other guy, and said, "Was never born...yes, yes, I think that just might do it!" And then he turned to me, waving his hand, and said, "Okay, jacko, you were never born."

And then suddenly I went back in time, and saw people and things from my past...and I realized the critical impact jacko has had on the lives of a lot of very important people:

I never knew the profound effect I'd had on my favorite Striptease artist, Demi Moore. Back in 1982, when she was a little hard-up for work, she agreed to do one of those films I used to produce when I was starting out. But she thought I was such an *sshole, she backed out of the pic at the last minute, and headed straight for superstardom instead. I saw that, if I hadn't been born, Demi would have done the picture, and then ended up as a waitress at Kenny Roger's Roasters, getting pinched in the butt by lewd truckers for $10 tips, instead of $10 million for showing off that well-toned rear to all of America. I'm so proud I could just spit.

And her hubby Bruce Willis? In 1980 he was all set to star in The Raven's Tail, a horror flick I later did with Roger Moore, but BRUCE backed out after I told him he'd never get anywhere in showbiz until he stopped smirking and started wearing a decent rug. Now his big dumb grin and receding hair-line can be seen in movie theatres all over the world. If not for me, he'd be selling satellite dishes at Radio Shack, and spending too much time on the Internet.

Then there's Howard Stern. I saw that if I hadn't been around to urge him to marry Allison, he'd still be single today, and boffing a different stripper every night over at Scores, and miserable and unhappy while he's having such a great time.

Ah...lovely Anna Nicole Smith. When I first met Nicky, she was strippin' in a cheap joint deep in the heart of Texas. I was the one who made sure Hef saw her early pics. I saw that, without me, she would never have been the "Guess Girl"-- just the "Mess Girl." Wait a minute...maybe I haven't had such a big impact on her life, after all. Forget that one.

Back when Newt Gingrich was still brainwashing college kids, I partied with him one night while I was doing some research for my first student movie, Sorority Shower Screamers. We broke bread, smoked something which he told me was legal (but I'm not so sure), and became blood brothers (he assured me he'd been tested). I was so impressed with the guy that I told him he should run for public office. And you know what? He did. That Wise Guy showed me that if Newt Gingrich had never bonded with me, instead of running Congress, he'd still be Professor Grabass at University of Podunk.

And then there's Cher. That chick has been after my bod for over 20 years. (Yeah, to this day Sonny still hates my guts. He'd practically have to bind and gag her if we were in the same room together, because she just couldn't keep her hands off me.) A few years ago when she decided to become an "ACTRESS," I told her she was better off singing about half-breeds and displaying her belly button. "Up yours, jacko," she said. "I'm doin' MOVIES!" And she went on to have a highly successful film career, and even won some awards, I think. Without me, she would have ended up sitting around on couches selling these pathetic hair care products made by some blonde fat chick. I deserve some gratitude, Cherie.

The list goes on and on. Hollywood as we know it today would be very different if I'd never been there. Well, that was all I needed to realize there might still be important work left for me to do here. Damn the lawyers! I'm coming back to Beverly Hills, L.A.!

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jacko and his family are returning to California.

jacko's column, jacko Bares It All, is, unfortunately, a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.