jacko Bares It All

Save Some Turkeys
by jacko

I've always been partial to "Farm Sanctuary."

For those of you who don't know, Farm Sanctuary is a rescue organization run by husband and wife team Gene and Lorri Bauston. It's a place errant turkeys can retire to and become the life of the party, instead of just the dead bird at the dinner table.

Farm Sactuary has a simple credo: You can feed a turkey, rather than eat one. It only costs 15 bucks, and you get an "adoption card" and a color picture of someone like Tofu Turkey or Sunshine. You also get the pleasure of knowing that you helped save from consumption our National Bird (well, second National Bird, behind old Baldy). Last year, Gene and Lorri saved almost 2,000 turkeys with their "Adopt-a-Turkey" program. They expect to preserve nearly 4,000 birdies this year.

If you're interested in taking part, their number if 1-888-SPONSOR (and yeah, they take Visa and Master).

In keeping with the spirit of this great organization, I've decided to open the Southern California chapter of "Adopt-a-Turkey." Everyone's invited. See, for your charter membership at VegSource (and yes, donations are tax-deductible since I only pay myself enough salary to cover my daily expenses and lunch at Spago), you'll receive a color picture of the following turkeys, along with your adoption card:

Drug Turkey!

Adopt actor Robert Downey Jr. who's put the millions and millions he's made in his successful film career up his nose, and now needs gas money for his Beemer. (He could do with a few clams to pay for his rehab, too.)

Box Office Turkey!

Adopt actress Geena Davis who gives new meaning to the term Blond Bombshell (i.e., bombs at the box office). She's been in two of the most expensive flops in film history -- Cutthroat Island and The Long Kiss Goodbye -- both directed by her long-haired, scuzzy-looking hubby, Renny Harlin. Geena needs the money to hire a hairstylist who can give her a better dye job.

Washed Up Turkey!

Adopt former Congressman Robert Dornan, as the people of Orange County, California, have at last had the good sense to boot his right-wing, neo-fascist, delusional booty out of office. He needs the money to fund a recount of the votes, and to root out the commies who obviously were working on his reelection campaign -- how else can he explain his loss?

State Turkey!

Adopt North Carolina, for unlike the good folks of Orange County, California, the backwards, red-necked, ignorant, sister-boinking, tobacco-growing voters of North Carolina did not turn their political dinosaur, Jesse, out on the street to push drugs (cigarettes), where he belongs. Jesse's in desperate need of cash as all the tobacco litigation is interfering with the bribes he's been taking from the tobacco industry.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and please post your own nomination for "Adopt-a-Turkey" at the Flame Room. And be sure to remember the true reasons for this great American holiday: to get together with the relatives you avoid the rest of the year, eat yourself into a stupor, and drink beer while watching football.

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jacko and Tommy, his adopted turkey, are vacationing in Australia indefinitely.

jacko's column, jacko Bares It All, is, unfortunately, a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.