jacko Bares It All

God Save Aussie Land!

Wedding Bells Are Ringing
by jacko

The fact that I'm doing my column from Australia this week has nothing to do with my current legal difficulties (okay, maybe a little). You see, every year me and Maliba and the heirs take a trip down-under to visit Maliba's folks in the Kookaburra tribe. Maliba's mom always puts out a huge spread; sometimes they even let me eat with the family.

This year, for the first time, one of my daughters participated in a very old and honored Kookaburra tradition: the Kangaroo Jamboree. Mothers and daughters from all over Aussie land gather together to commune with the friendly marsupials. They eat, drink and live with them for two weeks, and are not allowed at any time to walk on two legs -- they may only hop like their kangaroo brethren. Farrah loved it, and is still jumping about like a little wallaby. Her younger sister can hardly wait until she's old enough to "pway wit da kangawoos" too.

While we were visiting Maliba's sister and brother-in-law near Sydney, I got a "911" on my pager from the other Jacko, MJ -- the King of Pop himself. So I ring him right up, and he says, "jacko, I'm tying the knot again, and I want you and Maliba to watch." I said, "You know, Maliba isn't into that kind of stuff, but I can be there in about 20 minutes!"

Then he tells me, "No, jacko, I'm getting married! I knocked up Debbie, and if I don't make her an honest woman she wants 50 mil! Not even Cochran can get me out of this! Can you come?"

"Oh..." Hey, weddings don't do much for me. You gotta get all dressed up, sit there quietly while the guy in the robes drones on and on; the poor dumb sap in the tux and the chick in the white dress say "I do" a few times, and then they kiss each other (but not too hard, because the chick doesn't want her pretty make-up messed up). Yawn. Maliba, on the other hand, is a wedding junkie, and lives to go to all the big celebrity weddings. We've been to two or three of Princess Zsa Zsa's nuptials (my favorite was the one to Jack Ryan, who invented the Barbie doll and Chatty Cathy dolls, because they had great door prizes); two of Liz's (the one where she merged with the construction worker was a gas, even though the food was crap); and Maliba loved John John and the skinny blonde's wedding -- but none of those Kennedy get togethers are fun anymore since Teddy dried out.

So back to Sydney. Me and Maliba hopped a taxi to the Sheraton-on-the-Park Hotel, just in time to witness Mikie and Debbie exchanging their vows. There were reports in the media that the "bride wore white," but actually it was Michael who was dressed from head to toe in white. Debbie was dressed all in black, down to the veil covering her face. Maliba said she looked like she was in mourning. And when the judge said, "You may now kiss the bride," Mikie just giggled, and then shook Debbie's hand. I can understand that -- probably didn't want to smear his lipstick.

Michael asked me if I could tell LaToya that he and Debs had gotten hitched, and how could I say no. I try not to take sides in any of the family squabbles, and have managed to stay close with both Mikie and Toy, who don't speak to each other much. For some reason, Mikie gets really steamed every time LaToya makes the talk show rounds. I say a gal's gotta make a livin', right? When I told Toy that Mikie had gotten married again, she sounded thrilled. "Wow," she said, "that's fabulous! Gotta go -- have to call Geraldo!" She's a busy girl, that one. And her Playboy layout? Hey, Dr. Stuart Rosenblatt is a genius. He deserves a Nobel Prize on that one.

Well, Mikie's dream is finally coming true -- his very own kid to play with, and it won't cost him a dime this time. Ain't life grand?

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jacko and his family will be living indefinitely in Australia.

jacko's column, jacko Bares It All, is, unfortunately, a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.