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A Modest Proposal
by jacko

ne great thinker with truly revolutionary ideas for improving the lot of our citizens is the governor of my own great state, Govn’r Pete "Petie Boy" Wilson. You don’t have to look any further than Pete’s own "Pete Wilson For President" website for an honest appreciation of this man’s remarkable vision:

"Pete Wilson hasn't just talked about ending welfare as we know it in California; he has dramatically reduced welfare grants by putting people back on the road to self-reliance -- a program that the Los Angeles Times called ‘a model for the nation’."

Petie Boy, you’re way ahead of your time. One of Pete’s most innovative ideas has met with some initial resistance in the liberal press, but I’m confident that not only will it eventually become law, but someday we’ll look back on it as the type of legislative initiatives that define our great nation. Naturally, I’m referring to Pete’s appealing concept that poor women should consider giving their children up for adoption, rather than trying to raise their offspring themselves. This benefits the children -- who can look forward to a better standard of living -- as well as providing impoverished single mothers the time they complain they don’t have to pursue work.

I wanted to use my column this weekto make the first public announcement of Pete’s next legislative initiative. Here it is, in its entirety:

PROPOSAL TO END WELFARE

Since numerous validated scholarly studies (conducted by the jacko Center for Welfare Reform) demonstrate that most welfare moms are attractiveness-impaired, suffering from bad hair, and/or are carrying around the evidence of the consumption of one too many boxes of Archway Cookies; and

Since these studies have also demonstrated that these welfare moms are either unmarried or unable to keep one of the various fathers of their several children around due to their attractiveness-impaired condition; and

Since these same studies also demonstrate that being butt ugly prevents these welfare moms from getting hired (hey, just look at all the hot babes on TV or the movies -- how many would have gotten the work if their bellies were floppy or their skin imperfect? And how many are single, poor welfare moms?); and

Since everyone knows that the only way to make someone self-sufficient is not to feed them, but to provide them the skills and show them how they can feed themselves, the State of California is going to be the first state to do away with welfare entirely, and replace it by presenting the following options to any welfare moms who qualify.

Pete’s and jacko’s Six Point Plan for Welfare Reform

  • Dr. Stuart Rosenblatt, M.D., P.C., F.A.C.S, one of the best "breast men" in the world, will provide his services to the State of California for a mere 90% of his usual fee. The State will pay him to equip any welfare moms who qualify for the procedure with heavy duty, fully warranted knockers.

It is common knowledge that women with substantial baboonzas are able to obtain meaningful work at any number of high paying professions, including but not limited to:

A. Strippers
B. Porn Actresses
C. Centerfolds
D. Cocktail waitress
E. Brassiere tester
F. Congressional Page

Most of the women in the above occupations are able to work short hours and in the evening for a big chunk of change. This is particularly appealing, because if they have children to care for during the day, they can do so themselves, instead of burdening the state with having to pay for day care. And I am sure their self-esteem will increase drastically when they are self-sufficient, tax paying citizens.

One of the benefits of Dr. Rosenblatt’s proposition is that for a mere four of five thousand dollar investment, a woman can get herself removed from the welfare rolls, and have a career.

  • Dr. Quinn Barbara, liposuction master, has come on board to deal with any and all unsightly bulges.

A well-toned rear is a very valuable commodity in most cities, and Dr. Barbara has handled some of the best behinds in Hollywood.

  • For those women who are unable to derive any benefit from liposuction, ten Gold’s Gym personal trainers will be made available to assist the lazy misses in getting into peak condition.
  • "Cut and color, cut and color."

These are the words of hairdresser to the stars, Dr. Josie Ebert, who has agreed to make his services available on a 24 hour a day basis, as long as Pete can get him booked on 10 or 20 of Sally Jesse Raphaels’ makeover shows. Dr. Ebert was the stylist who had such tremendous success on Sally’s highly-rated "Help! My daughter looks like a transvestite!" segment.

  • For those women who are beyond the talents of even Dr. Rosenblatt, several publishers of "Chubby Chaser" magazines have been lined up to help out by doing some special "Single Moms in the Buff" spreads.

There are, believe it or not, some very sick, perverted men out there who take an unhealthy interest in such publications, thus helping to provide remuneration for someone who would otherwise be on the welfare rolls.

  • Our research indicates that the State of California could save millions of dollars if welfare moms could legally put their children to work. Legislative iniatives aimed at returning young children to work will be introduced and passed.

At the very least, we could save quite a bit of money if the children could construct the elaborate costumes their mothers must wear when they are peddling their wares. And I’m sure the garment industry, what with the tremendous crackdown on illegal immigrants Pete’s administration has made over the past few years, could use some extra (and cheap) help.

Not only will the foregoing recommendations stop indigent women from being a drain on society, they will also prove to be highly beneficial to the State economy. When you think about the taxable revenues from charges from the staff of doctors, not to mention the (fully taxable) tips the women will be receiving each night in their jobs, it boggles the mind.

Hence, the motto of Pete’s new Welfare Initiative:
Get off your butt . . . and shake it!

__________________________________________________

jacko is Chairman for the jacko Center for Welfare Reform. Board Members include Governor Pete Wilson, Senator Bill Packwood, Camille Paglia, Andrew "Dice" Clay, Morton Downey, Jr., Lyle Menendez, and Publisher Larry Flynt.

jacko's column, jacko Bares It All, is, unfortunately, a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.