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Hollybonics
by jacko

DATELINE: Hollywood, California "The Hollywood School Board says its resolution on Hollybonics has been widely misunderstood, especially on whether it calls for teaching classes in Hollybonics. Critics said the school board members are muddying the debate by not standing behind the resolution they passed." The Los Angeles Times, January 2, 1997.

As a public service to VegSource readers, we are publishing the text of the resolution passed on December 18, 1997, in order to clarify any misunderstanding people may have about this controversial manifesto"

WHEREAS, numerous validated scholarly studies conducted by jacko Cohen demonstrate that the Citizens of Hollywood, California, as part of their culture and history as showbiz people possess and utilize a language described in various scholarly approaches as "Hollybonics" (literally "Celebrity sounds") or "Southern California Communication Behavior" or "Let’s-Do- Lunch Language Systems"; and

WHEREAS, these studies have also demonstrated that "Let’s- Do-Lunch Language Systems" are genetically based and not a dialect of English; and

WHEREAS, these studies demonstrate that such West Coast and Lower Beverly Hills languages have been officially recognized and addressed in the mainstream public educational community as worthy of study, understanding or application of its principles, laws and structures for the benefit of Citizens of Hollywood both in terms of positive appreciation of the language and these students' acquisition and mastery of English language skills; and

WHEREAS, such recognition by scholars has given rise over the past fifteen years to legislation passed by the State of California recognizing the unique language stature of descendants of celebrity parents (such as Carrie Fisher, Drew Barrymore, Emilio Estevez and the soon-to-be-born heir of Mr. Michael Jackson) with such legislation being prejudicially and unconstitutionally vetoed repeatedly by various California state governors; and

WHEREAS, standardized box office receipts and television ratings will be remedied by application of a program with teachers and aides who are certified in the methodology of featuring "Let’s-Do-Lunch Language Systems" principles in instructing the children of the Citizens of Hollywood both in their primary language and in English. The certified teachers of these students will be provided incentives including, but not limited to gross points.

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT

RESOLVED that the Hollywood Board of Education officially recognizes the existence, and the cultural and historic bases of West Coast and Lower Beverly Hills Languages and each language as the predominantly primary language of the children of the Citizens of Hollywood; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the Superintendent in conjunction with her staff shall immediately devise and implement the best possible academic program for imparting instruction to Hollywood students in their primary language for the combined purposes of maintaining the legitimacy and richness of such language whether it is known as "Hollybonics," "Southern California Communication Behavior" or "Let’s-Do-Lunch Language Systems," or other description, and to facilitate their acquisition and mastery of English language skills.

For your further edification, here are some examples of the language of Hollybonics (a.k.a. Hbonics):

Hbonics: "Sorry, but we’ve already got a project like that in development."
Translation: "Soon as I get this guy out of my office I’m going to hire a writer and own that idea myself!"

Hbonics: "Trust me."
Translation: "I’ll have your share too, thanks!"

Hbonics: "The picture is doing GREAT! Tom Cruise is interested."
Translation: "The project is dead in the water."

Hbonics: "Have your person call my person."
Translation: "Don’t ever call here again."

Hbonics: "We’re just a little over-budget."
Translation: "We spent 50 million more than we should have."

Hbonics: "We’re right on budget!"
Translation: "We spent 20 million more than we should have."

Hbonics: "We came in under budget."
Translation: "We spent 10 million more than we should have."

Hbonics: "I can’t seem to shake this cold."
Translation: "I can’t believe I paid 2 grand a gram for that sh*t."

Hbonics: "Did you hear what Brett Butler said on Letterman last night?"
Translation: "Butler’s checking into the Betty Ford again."

Hbonics: "Wow, you look great!"
Translation: "Could I have the number of your plastic surgeon?"

Hbonics: "His movies make a lot overseas!"
Translation: "His career is over in the US."

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jacko is busily at work preparing improvements for VegSource, and although he's a little over-budget on the site, he's paying for ideas -- sorry, he's already got one like you just pitched in development! Don't worry -- jacko's websites make a lot overseas!

jacko's column, jacko Bares It All, is, unfortunately, a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.