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A Relative Who Makes Children
Feel Uncomfortable
by Barbara Kay Polland, Ph.D.
. All of the young cousins
in our family dread the big family reunions because of
one uncle. Whenever the children get within arm's length
of him, he grabs them and hugs and kisses them. My son does
everything he can to avoid this uncle and shoves the
uncle away if he does grab him. I'm sure this uncle is
probably harmless and I don't want to encourage my son to
be rude, but I'm confused about how to handle the
situation.
. This
uncle might simply be an affectionate man who is really happy
to see his nieces and nephews.
His
motivation in "grabbing and hugging and
kissing" might be totally innocent. Even so, if you
force your son to comply, the next adult may not have
such innocent motivation when he or she grabs your son.
He is not being "rude" by trying to avoid his uncle and by pushing him away if he's grabbed; he is indicating, in an unmistakable way, that he will not be forced to be affectionate. Many parents push their children into kissing a relative or friend in order to be "polite" without kissing. If children are taught and forced to do what adults want them to, how will they resist coercion, bribes, or demands from adults seeking sexual gratification from children?
This uncle's behavior is inappropriate. 
He is forcing his affection on children.
Adult family members should confront him about his
behavior and explain that it makes the children
uncomfortable. The most important thing you can do is to
give your son permission to reject these and any other
advances, even if it makes his uncle or some other adult
angry.
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Barbara Kay Polland, Ph.D., is a professor of child development at California State University. She is the mother of two and author of The Parenting Challenge and Feelings: Inside You and Outloud Too.
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