"Don't worry
-- it's fake!"
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Ask Miss Fromack!
by Margie Fromack
(the one and only)
Dear Miss Fromack:
It will soon be Thanksgiving, and just thinking 
about it makes me
hyperventilate. Do you have any practical
suggestions for handling obnoxious
comments from meat-eaters during the
Thanksgiving dinner? You know, things to
do or say that will REALLY shut them up.
I am sick and tired of going through the
same old crap year after year. Please help.
Sign me,
Ready to Kill (but still veggie)
Dear Killer:
Ah, the Annual Turkey Trauma. When I think of all those beautiful birds being plucked, stuffed, and baked just so some pot-bellied, bubble-arsed carnivore can have a day-long feeding frenzy, it makes me want to cut some wires with the handy little wire cutters I always carrying in my favorite Chanel shoulder bag, and liberate some fowls. Unfortunately, my hands are tied this year. I am not allowed to get arrested for anything in the next few days, as I promised to cook a meatless Thanksgiving dinner for my two brilliant children, Manny the doctor, and Tamara the lawyer.
But dahling, I do have a few choice morsels for you to toss in the direction of your flesh-eating friends and family.
In your sweetest, most innocent voice (and don't forget to cock your head and bat your eyelashes), say, "Did you know that that turkey has the same vitimin and mineral content as goat droppings?" I used this with great success at a dinner hosted by Nancy Reagan some years back. Many of the guests immediately decided that they only wanted to eat yams and string beans.
Killer, you may not know that the Cohen clan and the 
Kennedy
family are quite close. One Thanksgiving at
the Compound at Hyannisport -- it was a
particularly special event because Jackie had
deigned to appear -- I decided to bring my
friend, Tommy the Turkey, to the party.
Tommy was decked out in full feather regalia,
and I lead him around on a diamond-studded
pink collar and leash (which was very expensive, but nevertheless
in good taste). Many people don't realize that turkeys are actually
highly trainable.
Everyone was so charmed by his good manners that, when I asked for him to have a seat next to me at the table, hardly anyone raised an eyebrow. It's hard to raise an eyebrow anyway, after one too many facie tuckies.
When Tom's dear departed 20 pound cousin was brought in with 
great ceremony and flourish on a very
lovely 18th century Paul Revere silver
platter, I oohed and ahed with the rest of
the cretins. Tom agreed with an
appropriate gobble. When the great pile
of dead bird was passed in my direction, I took the opportunity to
give my fellow diners a little anatomy lesson. "Oh look" (holding up
a wing) "this is much smaller than Tom's. And look," (pointing to
the dead bird) "it looks like they hacked off its head right here,
where the feathers get thinner on Tommy... And what do you
suppose they did with its toes?"
Well, nearly everyone decided to go light on the turkey in favor of the cherry pies, except Jackie, who continued gobbling Tom's cousin (but she was never known for her good manners, anyway).
One more idea, although it's not something I
can really
recommend, is what my nephew, jacko, did a few years
back at our Great Aunt Bitsy's Thanksgiving dinner.
Apparently, he imbibed a few spoonfuls of ipecac just
before dinner was served. 
Well, jacko took one little
bite of that turkey...and then gave us all a
spendid demonstration of project
ile vomiting. Needless
to say, jacko hasn't been invited back
to Great Aunt Bitsy's (or anywhere
else, for that matter). But I think it did have the
dampening effect he desired, and one less turkey
was consumed that year -- and Great Aunt Bitsy
hasn't been able to bring herself to eat turkey ever since.
_________________________________________________
Dear Miss Fromack:
Have you ever tried tofurkey? Do you know where I can buy it?
Love,
Granny
My Dearest Granny:
I've never tried tofurkey, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it.
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Margie Fromack is a well-known Long Island socialite and animal rights activist. She is divorced from Mr. Fromack (thank God!), and has two brilliant children: her son Manny the doctor, and her daughter Tamara the lawyer.
Margie's column, Ask Miss Fromack, is a regular feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.