Mirth and Muse

Back to School
with
April Clanton

ear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in not writing sooner and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, I would only ask that you please sit down.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and concussion I got when I jumped out of the dormitory window during the fire are pretty well healed now. I got out of the hospital last week and can see almost normally again.

Fortunately a gas station attendant (Glog) saw the fire and saw me jump, and immediately called the Fire Department and the ambulance, or I might not have made it. Glog also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live with the dorm burnt out, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute.

Glog is a great guy and -- I hope you're ready for this -- we just got engaged. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I think it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love, devotion and tenderness you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that Glog has some minor infection which prevents us from passing the blood tests. Also, I carelessly caught it from him. But the doctor said this should clear up quickly with the daily injections.

I know you will welcome Glog into our family with open arms. He is kind and while not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know this won't bother you and you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gun dealer in their village.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, and I do not have syphilis. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
April

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April Clanton is a popular contributor at VegSource, and all-around nice gal. You may see her slinking around the boards under the handle "Kellas Cat."

April's column, Mirth and Muse, is an occasional feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.