Mirth and Muse
(Part 2 of 2)

Is This You? (part 2)
with
April Clanton

Dateline: Harvurd University

Last week I reported to you about scientists here who completed a landmark 20-year study of 2 million males, ages 18-90, and discovered that there are 9 distinct male-pattern personalities, which are manifested when exposed to relationships with the opposite sex. If you didn't read that article, you may click here to read it before going on.

This week, I'm presenting you with the results which document the 9 distinct female-pattern personalities, which show up in relationships with men:

1) Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday

2) Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

3) Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious

4) The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes, Mom

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5) Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6) Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get
drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7) Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends

8) Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

9) Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you...

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April Clanton is a popular contributor at VegSource, and all-around nice gal. You may see her slinking around the boards under the handle "Kellas Cat."

April's column, Mirth and Muse, is an occasional feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.