Mirth and Muse

Is This You?
with
April Clanton

Dateline: Harvurd University

Scientists here recently completed a landmark 20-year study of 2 million males, ages 18-90. The researchers discovered that there are 9 distinct male-pattern personalities, which are manifested when exposed to relationships with the opposite sex.

The results of their research are as follows:

1) Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.

2) Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go
to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."

Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.

Advantages: Stays put; predictable.

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass.

3) Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.

4) Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb.

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.

5) Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.

Advantages: Well rested; easy target.

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams.

6) The Sneak - "Who, me?"

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.

7) Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.

Advantages: Perpetually aroused.

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.

8) The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"

Also known as: Struggling artist/musician/ actor/poet, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.

Advantages: Tells good stories.

Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus."

9) Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy, jacko.

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.

Next Week:
The Nine Distinct Female-Pattern Personalities

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April Clanton is a popular contributor at VegSource, and all-around nice gal. You may see her slinking around the boards under the handle "Kellas Cat."

April's column, Mirth and Muse, is an occasional feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.