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English v. Welfare Dept.
with
April Clanton

Following are actual, unedited statements from letters received by the Welfare Department in application for support:

  • I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was babtized on a half sheet of paper.

  • I am writing the Wefare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

  • Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

  • I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

  • I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

  • This is my eight child, what are you going to do about that?

  • Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

  • I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illeterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

  • In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

  • I am forwaring marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a misatke as you can see.

  • My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

  • Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

  • You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?

  • I have no children as yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

  • In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelop.

  • I want money as quick as I can get it, I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

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April Clanton is a popular contributor at VegSource, and all-around nice gal. You may see her slinking around the boards under the handle "Kellas Cat."

April's column, Mirth and Muse, is an occasional feature of VegSource On-Line Magazine.